Sometimes I wonder why I write or keep a blog. I guess it's because I have learned so much from other people's blogs over the years and I have a shred of hope that what I say can help someone else. Anyway...
As most of you know Josh and me have spent most of our nearly 13 years of marriage hoping and praying for children, with family, friends, and strangers cheering us on. We had all the fertility testing done years ago and they found nothing hindering conception. We have been firm believers that God opens and closes the womb, so we left it in His hands.
After nearly 11 years of marriage we decided we would open our home to foster children. Then, we were ready to adopt two boys which didn't work out, so we decided we might adopt some older children. I was satisfied with that but the mother in me wanted a baby, too. Josh wasn't interested in spending that many years being a parent but really had a heart for older children who we would only have a few years with.
Recently, after grieving what seemed like another loss involving children, I have come to accept the fact that we will probably never be parents. Yes, I realize it is possible for me (nearly 36) to still get pregnant or for us to choose to adopt, but spending my days hoping feels pointless and even detrimental to my well being. I think the next time someone says I will probably get pregnant I might tell them that someone could also send them a check for a million dollars. Sure, there's a chance, but you might not want to start living that kind of lifestyle until it arrives. Make sense?
Bottom line: I am at peace and grateful that we do not have children. Josh and I have a unique opportunity in life, and we intend to use it for God's glory.
I still strongly believe that I am destined to work with children in some capacity since I have such a passion for teaching and helping children keep their love for learning. But I have seen myself as a parent and, for several reasons, I am not happy with the parent I was. I seem to be much better when I have a lot of quiet time alone to prepare myself to be in the presence of energetic, needy children. That's when I am able to pour my entire being into loving, caring, and motivating children for an hour or so. Nothing brings me more happiness than to see a child feel important, loved, and confident.
Josh and I have hopes and dreams for the future. Some of which will take a lot of time, manpower, and money, but we are working toward these goals and trying to walk with God along the way. We are excited about the present and the future. We are more in love than ever, if that's possible, and God seems to be opening new doors in our church and in our real estate business.
