Foster Care Timeline

*This used to be a page but I'm posting it here instead since foster parenting is no longer the focus of this website.

Foster Kids We've Had in Our Home
             we are not allowed to use their real names or show face photos

Sibling Group 3: (November 5, 2012-July 3, 2013)
Valor: 7 yr old boy
Levi: 1 yr old boy

Sibling Group 2: (February 29 - June 29, 2012)
Uno: 6 yr old boy
Dos: 4 yr old girl
Tres: 3 yr old girl

Sibling Group 1 (respite*): We didn't have room for all of these children so we took the oldest two. Another time we had only the youngest three.

Boy9, Girl5 (Jan. 25-30, 2012)

Boy3, Girl2, Boy1-took his first steps at our house!  (February 11, 18-20 2012)

*Respite care is simply baby-sitting for another foster parent so they can have a break.

Licensing Process Timeline
where we are on the journey to getting licensed to be foster parents

• 2/24/12 OFFICIALLY LICENSED!!!
• 2/15/12 Fire Inspection
• 2/13/12 Home Health Inspection
• 2/6/12 Home Study-interview us & check out our home
• Moved and House in order
• Fingerprinting
• Drivers License Changed to new address
• TB testing
• Interactive Training Hours 
• 1/16/12   CPR and First Aid Class
• 12/10/11 PAPH, Meds, and TraumaTraining
• 12/03/11 PRIDE Classes
• 10/15/11 Orientation & Review
• 10/11/11 First Paperwork Requirements

Frequently Asked Questions
Why We Want to be Foster Parents

Read all the posts about our foster parenting journey here.


I want to share with you a great podcast I have found about foster parenting (and adoption). I don't know Tim and Wendy personally but have enjoyed listening to them talk about foster parenting.  

An Unexpected Peace

Sometimes I wonder why I write or keep a blog. I guess it's because I have learned so much from other people's blogs over the years and I have a shred of hope that what I say can help someone else. Anyway...

As most of you know Josh and me have spent most of our nearly 13 years of marriage hoping and praying for children, with family, friends, and strangers cheering us on. We had all the fertility testing done years ago and they found nothing hindering conception. We have been firm believers that God opens and closes the womb, so we left it in His hands. 

After nearly 11 years of marriage we decided we would open our home to foster children. Then, we were ready to adopt two boys which didn't work out, so we decided we might adopt some older children. I was satisfied with that but the mother in me wanted a baby, too. Josh wasn't interested in spending that many years being a parent but really had a heart for older children who we would only have a few years with.

Recently, after grieving what seemed like another loss involving children, I have come to accept the fact that we will probably never be parents. Yes, I realize it is possible for me (nearly 36) to still get pregnant or for us to choose to adopt, but spending my days hoping feels pointless and even detrimental to my well being. I think the next time someone says I will probably get pregnant I might tell them that someone could also send them a check for a million dollars. Sure, there's a chance, but you might not want to start living that kind of lifestyle until it arrives. Make sense?

Bottom line: I am at peace and grateful that we do not have children. Josh and I have a unique opportunity in life, and we intend to use it for God's glory. 

I still strongly believe that I am destined to work with children in some capacity since I have such a passion for teaching and helping children keep their love for learning. But I have seen myself as a parent and, for several reasons, I am not happy with the parent I was. I seem to be much better when I have a lot of quiet time alone to prepare myself to be in the presence of energetic, needy children. That's when I am able to pour my entire being into loving, caring, and motivating children for an hour or so. Nothing brings me more happiness than to see a child feel important, loved, and confident.

Josh and I have hopes and dreams for the future. Some of which will take a lot of time, manpower, and money, but we are working toward these goals and trying to walk with God along the way. We are excited about the present and the future. We are more in love than ever, if that's possible, and God seems to be opening new doors in our church and in our real estate business.

Update & Grieving the Loss of Children

This is probably going to be a depressing post, but it's my blog and I am allowed to post my feelings. No one is required to read any of it.

Tonight I received a text from the boys' case worker and she once again said she would not be able to come pick up the rest of their belongings. We were supposed to meet tomorrow. Valor and Levi left nearly 6 months ago--without most of their belongings, which we had bought for them. Another unnecessary loss in their precious lives.

We offered to drive to their new foster home several hours away to bring them their belongings. "No, we'll come pick them up." After several phone calls to the CASA and their case worker they still have not come. I just spent a couple of hours writing the boys a letter and watching every single video and photo we have of them. I was also making a DVD of all of them for the boys. In one sense that time was wasted since they have once again delayed coming to get their stuff. On the other hand, it was more time to grieve the loss of the boys.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I have no doubt that saying good-bye to foster children is similar to the experience of the death of a child. Over the past several months I have found myself crying at random times, especially when I went shopping with friends in the children's clothing section. Children who are their age remind me so much of them, especially Levi. We experienced so many of his firsts.

I have no idea whether we will ever see or hear from them again. Supposedly the goal is still reunification with the mom whom they have given a 6 month extension on correcting her behavior and setting up a proper home for them. 

My focus just needs to be those 8 months of good they had in our home. They learned so much and so did we. One thing I learned is that I am not emotionally strong enough to be a foster parent, at least not at this point in my life. We purposely took 6 months off to take time to grieve and revitalize ourselves for whatever children God brings into our lives again.

At this point our goal is to get our new business (real estate investment) up and running to where Josh can be running it full time at home. In the meantime I am taking some baby sitting jobs and trying to prepare myself to be a better mother.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 2

Dealing With Childhood Abuse as an Adult

(continued from Part 1)

I sincerely thought that suppressing my own issues and reading tons of positive parenting books would make me a better parent. I guess it did at times, when I wasn't feeling the rage from the buried pain of my own abuse.

I could have ignored this and told myself that every parent gets angry at times and every parent has yelled at their kid a time or two. Sorry, but I don't want to be that kind of parent. One who makes mistakes? Well, that is inevitable, but if I can't control my own temper how can I expect a small child to control his own behavior? 

I tried hard to change on my own. We took a long break in between the first and second placement of foster children. It did help some, and I must admit, I like the way I parented the next set of foster kids much better. There were times I made mistakes, but thankfully, it was minor and I was able to apologize to our seven year old for being impatient or controlling. I still had a huge dose of impatience with our toddler for pretty much just acting his age, though.

Not liking what I saw in myself, I decided to seek professional help. It took a while to find the right counselor but eventually I found her. She has opened my eyes to things I was so blind to. It has been an amazing experience and I feel as if I am just starting the journey to healing. Perhaps someday I can help birth mothers in some way. Until then, I will deal with my own issues and plead with others to do the same.

I am writing this because I doubt your own childhood was perfect. My hope is to see other parents open their eyes to their faults and to the fact that they just might be recreating their own childhood in their own home. Please don't just assume that the method your parents used is the right one or the one that that seemingly perfect family at church is using.

Don't just read one parenting book. (Children have been killed because of this one mistake of blindly following a book that someone wrote about spanking.) Read as many as possible or at least read articles on several websites. Find ones that seem to go against the methods you are using. I did that many years ago before I even had kids and now I have a huge toolbox with many tools to choose from. I still need wisdom from God and help from a counselor to make them become the initial response to negative behavior though. Parenting is work, but the children are so worth it.

To their credit our agency did ask during the home study whether we had been abused as children and how we dealt with it and how it effects us now. Well, we had never been parents before so we didn't really know until we had kids in our house! I had always had positive experiences in dealing with any children I babysat and taught. I thought I was very patient. :-\  (By the way, I don't mention Josh much in this because he has been great with all of our kids. He is kind and patient all the time with them, but he is also not home all day with them.)

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 1

Recognizing Childhood Abuse

I am thankful for the foster care system because, in spite of all its issues, children are being helped and kept safe in a lot of situations. However, wouldn't it be great if we could stop the abuse and neglect of children before it happens?

How many times have you thought, "How on earth can a mother do something so horrible to an innocent child?" It is horrible and I hate it and at the same time I can't help but picture that birth mother and what her childhood must have been like. More often than not the pain that she has inflicted on her children mirrors the pain in her own childhood. 

In no way does this make it right or less horrific. But I think it should make more parents think about themselves and the way they parent. (I know it does me.) Surely a parent who brings a sweet newborn into the world never imagines themselves hurting that child to the point of breaking their bones, yet it happens so often. I know drugs (including alcohol) plays a major part and causes people to not even be in their right mind. But wouldn't you think that most abuse or neglect started out as occasional anger, desperation, or being overwhelmed? I know there are exceptions to this, believe me. I'm enraged about it just as much as you are!

I am not making an excuse for their behavior. I am trying to analyze it and see if you or I can do anything to prevent it. Call me crazy, but I dream of a place where birth mothers and their children can be helped. Parenting classes, therapy, help in finding a job...hmm...this sounds familiar...oh wait! CPS does this already and yet so many birth parents do the same harmful things over and over. People just need serious help and, honestly, they have to want it. You would think that the well being of their children would be enough motivation. (sigh)

A Painful Realization

When we took in our first precious foster children we immediately saw the effects of their abuse. They acted out the things that happened to them on baby dolls and each other. It was so shocking and sad. I thought I had buried my own abuse long ago, but terrifyingly enough, it brought flashbacks that I did not want to relive.

After spending four months trying to parent three traumatized children I was exhausted in every way imaginable. The thing that scared me the most was the anger I felt when things were out of control. The six year old had several tantrums a day so it felt chaotic quite often. Because of my own ignored abuse my defense mechanisms were up and instead of picking a tool from positive discipline I grabbed the one I was most familiar with. I hated myself for yelling and getting angry, and it scared me.

...to be continued

Read Part 2

The Story of Valor and Levi: Conclusion

Part 7  July 2013

It has taken a while for me to be able to write this without tears. I might be in the denial stage of grief, I don't know.

July 3rd Valor and Levi were moved to another foster home with their sisters closer to their local CPS office. Nice and convenient for CPS, never mind the fact that the boys were content and very attached to their current foster family. 

All we can hope now is that they will find love and safety wherever they are.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi

Part 1 Back to the Beginning

Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends

Part 4 Adoption?

Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Hope Delayed

Part 6  June 2013

Two months had finally passed, during which the case worker had been increasingly optimistic about the birth mom getting her kids back. Eager to find out the result of the Permanency Conference I contacted the CASA to find out the date, so we could attend it. The CASA contacted the case worker to find out the date of the conference and she said, "Oh, we're not having a Permanency Conference in June. The next court date is set for October." What?! It was clearly stated and documented that they would reevaluate the situation in June. Now, CPS was ignoring this fact.

The CASA said she would find out more and try to get them to keep their word about the conference. So, later I asked again about the date of the Permanency Conference and if the birth mom was making any progress on housing.  She called me back and told me some shocking news.

The birth mom was coming along on the house and might even start having extended visits with the children by July or August. It looked like she was going to get the kids back. Not only that, but CPS found another foster home closer to their office that would take all four children. 

During this confusion Valor told his therapist something bad that his birth mom had done to him while he still lived with her. I was told to inform the case worker asap. When I called her she just shoved it off as if it didn't matter since he had not made the outcry when they were first removed from the home. Abuse is unacceptable no matter when it happens! 

I was encouraged to call the children's attorney ad litem, so I left a message on his voicemail. However, the sisters will probably be moving to another foster home regardless, and if they are going to move they will probably move all four of them to this new foster home they found.

We are still hoping for a miracle. Time will tell what Part 7 holds for these precious boys.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi

Part 1 Back to the Beginning

Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends

Part 4 Adoption?

Part 5 Anxiously Waiting

The Story of Valor and Levi: Anxiously Waiting

Part 5 February-May 2013

They told the birth mom if she did not find housing for the children within the next two months they would change the primary goal to adoption instead of reunification. 

Although the boys were not officially ours we were a family. Valor and Levi began calling us Mama and Daddy and were loving being in our home. I began to tell family and friends that we were planning to adopt the boys. Everyone seemed thrilled! We were the happiest parents on earth. I can't begin to describe the joy these boys brought to us. 

Valor began to understand more and more about why he was in foster care and what adoption meant. We did not intentionally tell him that we were hoping to adopt him, but we said yes when he asked if we wanted to adopt them. He came to us one day, though, and said he wanted us to adopt him. He struggled with the fact that he loves his birth mother dearly but he also loves us. We all struggled with the uncertainty of the future of our family.

We were so hopeful about adopting the boys throughout these months. The CASA had concerns about the birth mother and from what I was hearing, she did not sound stable enough to care for four little ones. This was very sad, but at the same time it gave us hope that they would become adoptable.

On April 2, 2013 a Permanency Conference was held for the children. We were able to attend via conference call. We learned more things about the children's history and the progress the birth mother was making. She had taken the required classes, but still had not secured appropriate housing and beds for the children. The CPS supervisor and the children's attorney spoke up and said some things that the birth mom needed to hear. Then, they told her if she did not find housing for the children within the next two months they would change the primary goal to adoption instead of reunification. 

Two months! We anxiously awaited the news and when people asked how the adoption process was coming I told them we should find out if it is even possible in June. Summer could not come fast enough!

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Adoption?

Part 4 January 2013

"I have been seriously praying about adopting these boys." The shocking words came from my husband one night when I was at the end of my emotional strength.

Valor's excessive attachment, the tantrums and other things started to wear me down while we were there in Iowa. I was having a lot of anxiety, and then Josh's grandpa passed away. So, we also had to deal with the emotional trauma of a death with our son. He was already a very sensitive child and it was only escalating. He had just met Josh's grandpa but that didn't matter. It was very tough for him (not to mention us). 

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse. Josh and I got very sick right before his Grandpa's funeral. I had to stay in bed for two days, not able to care for our boys. Thankfully we had help.

The Unexpected Drop

The stomach-wrenching fall down the other side of the roller coaster came via an email from the case worker while we were still in Iowa between the death of Josh's grandpa and when I got sick.

"...I want to also take this time to notify you both that I will be exploring the option of moving all four children within the next month.  Once I know more of the details I will contact each of you to discuss the matter further.  I just wanted to let you know that the potential for family placement is very real in this case and will be explored more thoroughly over the next few weeks..."  (email from the CPS case worker)

The drop was like a blow to the stomach. I didn't even know what to think or feel. It was pure devastation. A complete ripping away of my hopes and dreams. It might sound dramatic, but that is how I felt!

It took me weeks to get over the physical exhaustion of the flu and/or whatever I had, and on top of everything else thinking we were about to lose our boys, I was at the end of my emotional strength. I was done with the heart-wrenching pain of fostering little ones and seeing them leave. I told Josh I just couldn't handle it anymore, so we talked about taking a break and just doing respite care for a while.

A Ray of Hope

Suddenly, though, Josh told me he had been seriously praying about adopting Valor and Levi. Knowing how quickly attached I get to children, he did not tell me about this until he had to. Since CPS was seriously considering moving the boys to another foster home he knew we had to tell them that we would love to adopt them if they came available. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! One minute I think we're going to lose them forever and the next minute I'm told Josh wants to adopt them!

We discovered that the sisters' foster family wanted to adopt the girls and since they were settled in their home so close to us, CASA fought against moving the children. Over the following months CPS tried to move all four children again and CASA once again stood up for our kids. As you might guess, it is detrimental to move children from foster home to foster home, especially once they are settled in.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: The Honeymoon Ends

Part 3

We don't know exactly what triggered the emotional breakdown, but he has not been the same since. Our (almost) perfect little 7 year old turned into a terrified, clingy little boy who couldn't stand to leave our sight, and if we didn't give him our undivided attention at all times he would get very upset and cry.

Exhausted but Hopeful

Okay, so the roller coaster of emotions actually began the day we welcomed Valor and Levi to our home. However, although I have always hoped we would adopt children someday, Josh had always reminded me our goal was to help children heal and make a difference in their lives as long as they were in foster care--not to adopt them. I also knew, though, that my husband had a tender heart deep down, and that someday a child would reach inside him and squeeze his heart until he could resist no longer. What I didn't know is that it would happen so quickly!

I am a very emotionally sensitive person who is an introvert and cannot seem to handle a lot of people or stress for long periods of time. (Read this article for more details.) I am more than happy and very thankful that my husband works hard enough for me to stay home with our foster children and give them my full attention. We both feel very strongly about the importance of a mother being the primary caregiver of her child. I know that isn't always possible, especially in the case where a father leaves the family and the mother must provide an income. Yes, I have a degree. Yes, I am capable of  holding down a job. I did it all four years of college and made it to a supervisor position. I don't care that I don't have a "career". Nothing is more important to me than being home with our foster children! 

Anyway, even though I love staying home with the children, dealing with emotionally unstable, tantrum-throwing children who are not your own gets tiring and overwhelming at times. Did I mention all the required appointments, paperwork, rules and visits from workers, too? I've heard just dealing with your own, happy, stable child gets tiring, too, so you can only imagine! :-) Not complaining, just stating facts.

So as we were bonding more and more with these boys and our family and friends are falling in love with them, and even strangers at the store think they are ours, we begin to see what a perfect fit they are to our family in so many ways. I wanted to keep them from day 1 and was secretly hoping that Josh would fall in love enough to agree to adopt them when the time came. We were very attached to the boys. Life was good, if I could just ignore that nagging thought of the boys leaving one day.

I was also worried that we wouldn't be able to take them to Iowa with us for a week or so. We usually go there to visit Josh's parents and family for Christmas or the week following. I didn't want to think of having to leave our boys with someone else, especially for that length of time. I knew they would also have a very hard time since they were so attached to us. Thankfully, the trip was approved by all parties! 

The Honeymoon Comes to a Screeching Halt

First road trip with the boys! The long trip there was very good and we were thrilled to introduce our boys to their second set of foster grandparents! They seemed to enjoy the boys, too. Levi goes to anyone and loves new people. Valor steals people's hearts with his adorable smile.

On top of being exhausted, being away from home, and not knowing the future, the "honeymoon phase" of Valor's stay in our home ended when something triggered some fear in him. It was right in the middle of our vacation in Iowa. (Foster children often go through a honeymoon phase of being extra good for a few weeks or months. Our first placement had no honeymoon phase at all, though!)

Josh's parents are fun, laid-back people who enjoy having a lot of people around. They have a spacious home, so they had a Christmas gathering with at least 50 people there. At some point during the party Valor freaked out. (We were with him the entire time, so nothing could have happened to him that we didn't see.) We don't know exactly what triggered the emotional breakdown, but he has not been the same since. Our (almost) perfect little 7 year old turned into a terrified, clingy little boy who couldn't stand to leave our sight, and if we didn't give him our undivided attention at all times he would get very upset and cry. One thing that really got him upset was when Josh and I would sit by each other. There was room for him right beside us but he couldn't stand us being close together and would insist on one of us giving him our full attention. We couldn't go to the bathroom without explaining why we were leaving the room. 

To be continued...

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 2 November/December 2012

Please, remember I am just one foster parent with my own experiences. We have only had two placements, and I'm simply sharing my thoughts, perceptions, and feelings about our cases. These posts are not meant to give guidance or advice to anyone. I find it comforting, however, when reading other foster parent blogs to know there is someone out there experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. That is the purpose of this blog.

Throughout those first two months we began to fall in love with these sweet boys who came to us. We had no idea about their future since usually the first goal of CPS is to reunite the children with their birth family. It pretty much all depended on the mom and if she would make the necessary changes to herself and their home environment.

Bonding with foster children is almost inevitable. The children are desperate for someone to love and care for them, so they cannot get enough attention and physical touch from us! Valor fell flat in love with Josh the moment he met him. He had no other daddy in the picture to divide his love with so he jumped in with both feet. 

It was different with me because Valor had a strong bond with his birth mother. He loved her dearly and seemed very confused as to why he was taken away from her. (Children don't seem to realize that the abuse and neglect they experienced isn't normal.) He also defended his mom and would speak positively of her. I am glad he had a good perspective of her and good memories, but it did prevent him from bonding with me, at first. He wouldn't sit too close to me and waited for quite a while to actually say, "I love you" back. After the first couple of visits and a phone call from the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate), I discovered why.

The Visits with Birth Mom 

It often seems foster children naturally miss their birth mother no matter what horrendous things she has done to them or failed to do. They are confused and in both of our sibling group placements the children had mixed feelings about visiting their birth mom. Sometimes they really wanted to see her, other times they did not want to visit her at all. It was always emotionally exhausting for all of us, and still is!

The CASA called me and told me what the visit was like. The birth mom and all four children were in a very small room with a sofa and toys. The room had a window where the case worker and CASA and others could supervise to see how the mother handled the children. CASA said that the mother had no parenting skills at all and acted more like a sibling to the children instead of their mother. CPS continually had to intervene and tell her what she needed to do. 

Then, I found out why my 7 year old had so much trouble bonding with me. His own mother ignored him when he spoke to her. He tried and tried for the two hour visit to get her attention but she refused. He tried to sit by her and she would complain about how close he sat to her. My heart broke, but I had a better understanding of why the sweetest boy in the world could not let himself get close to me. 

From then on I started giving him more hugs and sat as close as I could to him and showed him how much I cared for him. Then, one day he melted in my arms. He let himself fall in love with me and now nothing will stop him. He came to the understanding that he could love both of us at the same time. He shared with me that he felt that he was betraying his own mother if he let himself love me. 

I didn't mention Levi much because he seemed to show no connection to his birth mother at all. He didn't get excited when he saw her or upset when he was taken away. He has, however, showed both of those signs with me. It is apparent he is very attached to me (and I to him!). I don't know whether it is his age, his personality, the neglect of his mother, or a combination of all of these things. It just seems sad to me, but I am thankful we have a bond.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Back to the Beginning

Part 1 November 5, 2012

That Unforgettable Night

Seven short months ago my husband received a call about two boys (7 and almost 1) who had been removed from their home and needed a foster home immediately. Josh gladly said yes and had them call me to make sure. Their ages were almost exactly what we had hoped for. Honestly, after having 3 children 6 and under who had major behavior issues as our first placement, this gap in age was about all I thought I could handle! They said the boys had been no trouble at all at the office all day. The 7 year old was very respectful, and they were right!

Valor* (7) and Levi* (now 18 mo.) were brought to us around 10:30pm.  Valor was quiet and very sweet, smiling at everything we said. Now that I know him well, I know he was nervous, scared, and trying to please us the best he knew how. He is fully Hispanic and had a short, buzzed haircut. Levi was very tired and hardly made any sound or facial expression. His hair was dark brown (exactly the same color as mine) and covering his ears. He was wearing a black onesie that had the name of a heavy metal band on it. 

Sisters!

We later found out that they had two sisters (3 and 5) who were placed in another foster home with our agency just 5.5 miles from us! Neither of us were asked to take all four and I didn't remember them telling us about the other two when we got the call. I don't know whose decision it was to separate them or why. The girls are beautiful Hispanic little girls but over the past months the results of trauma in the birth home have manifested themselves in their behavior. It is interesting how different the boys' behavior is from the girls. Apparently, they have lived apart before because Valor told me the girls lived with their grandparents for a while when his mom was expecting Levi, so Valor had his mom all to himself during that time.

Their History

I often wonder how much is appropriate to post online and then I read other foster parents blog who tell almost everything! I will just say that children are removed from their birth home and placed into foster care because of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. In this case, the children were not abandoned. That about covers it. 

Valor was apparently conceived when his mother was very young. His dad went to prison sometime around Valor's birth. He was released in 2011 and finally chose to see his son for the very first time around February 2013. Valor's birth mom had always told him he didn't have a daddy, so he believed her. Since he asks so many questions, including how babies get here, I had to explain that he does have a daddy. He had already accepted Josh as his current daddy, but was thrilled and amazed to meet his biological dad! Unfortunately, he has not come back to visit him since and we don't know if he will continue to stay in contact with him.

The sisters' father is somewhere in another country and no one has been able to reach him. Valor said his mom was married to him and then divorced a few years later. He said they lived in Mexico for a while.

At some point the birth mom met Levi's birth father. Their relationship was very detrimental to the family. However, a beautiful baby boy came from it! The father did not even know she was pregnant and left sometime before it would be evident. In fact, he did not know he had a son until Levi came to our home. He still has not made contact with or seen his son. He is Caucasian, so Levi is half Hispanic and half Caucasian.

By the way, if you've heard of some wonderful family who had their children taken away from them, it must have been a rare case. DFPS (CPS) does not have the time or resources to remove children on some whim every time they hear of someone "spanking" their child. The birth families are usually investigated more than once and the neglect or abuse is serious enough for the child to be unsafe. No, CPS isn't always right and no, they don't always make the right decisions but they are getting children out of harmful environments and putting them in safe, loving homes. For that, I am very  thankful.

*Valor and Levi are not their real names.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

Six Month Progress Report of Levi

I wrote this post over a month ago, so he has progressed more since then.

Levi is blowing kisses to me as I type this post. He is a sweet 17 month old most of the time. Just for fun and for my records... Here's what Levi has been up to lately!

• learned to push a drawer or container up to the couch in order to climb onto it by himself
• is reaching doorknobs!
• eats just about anything we give him
• his nighttime drinking from a bottle or sippy cup while I hold him has been eliminated. He basically weaned himself from this when he pushed away his cup and wanted to go straight to bed 2-3 nights in a row. His new bedtime routine has transitioned to singing "Jesus Loves Me" and then praying with him while I cuddle him. He goes around blowing kisses to brother and Daddy first, and sometimes they get an actual hug and kiss.
• He has been telling me when he has a bm for quite a while since I say "poo-poo" every time I catch him going. Now, he says "poo-poo, diaper" when he is finished and starts walking to his room to be changed. 
• His new thing is to say "hot, hot, hot" when I serve him food. He feeds himself fairly well with a spoon and sometimes with a toddler fork.
• He loves to take his dirty diaper (in a plastic bag) to the trash can in the garage. He is so proud of himself when he does this!
• is going through the screaming/squealing stage...please pass the earplugs!
• He is getting really good at picking up his toys! He knows how to put things back into the containers and onto the shelf.
• He is understanding when we tell him to stop or leave something alone. He doesn't always obey but a lot of the time he makes the right choice. This is a huge relief because I was really at a loss as to what to do with a toddler with limited allowances.
• He says "please" (pe) most of the time when he wants something instead of screeching.

Valor and Levi

From now on Boy7's online nickname will be "Valor" and Boy1's online name will be "Levi". They are listed on the sidebar of my blog if you ever forget who is who.

Valor: "strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness : personal bravery"

Levi: "joined" or "joined in harmony"

We have had Valor and Levi for 4.5 months now. I love them more and more each day and don't want to imagine life without them, but I know it might become a reality someday. At this point the goal is still reunification. 

Valor is very attached to Josh and I. He is a sensitive child and I gave him the name "Valor" (online) because I believe he will someday overcome his fears and be a valiant man. He is thoughtful and helpful. We have to be very careful in how we approach correction with him. Even a slight firmness in voice can bring him to tears. This does make discipline (teaching) very easy for us. He takes us very seriously and applies what he learns very quickly. That being said, I can't imagine how a harsh parent or one who thinks they must spank would damage this child, especially at this point in his life. I am very thankful for a calm and loving husband who knows how to deal gently with him, and for the parenting books we've learned so much from.

Everyone seems to notice Levi everywhere we go! He is a handsome little 15 month old who toddles around with a big smile, greeting anyone he sees. He wakes up singing or laughing and is a joy to be around most of the time. He is learning fast, but isn't so sure about these things he's not allowed to touch (the printer and computer cords, for instance). Mommy just won't let him get into everything he wants and it frustrates him a lot! ;-) He says several words and loves to play outside in the sunshine. He is also attached to us and loves kisses!

Foster parenting keeps us so busy. Not only taking care of these precious little boys, but the paperwork, school, and constant appointments keep us hopping. I have wanted to write more about them but haven't  really had the time.

Two Boys, Our Second Placement

We've had two boys, 1 and 7 years old, for nearly a month now. Of course, we don't know how long we will have them, which seems to be the most popular question! The general time frame in foster care is six months to a year, but it could be shorter or longer, depending on if an approved relative decides they want them or they come up for adoption. Boy7 and Boy1 also have two half sisters living in another foster home across town. Thankfully, we can get together often!

Boy7 making cupcakes for his brother's 1st birthday!

Boy7

Boy7 is sweet and has a great attitude most of the time. He is also very helpful. His teacher loves him and he enjoys going to school. It's obvious he is missing some of the basics, such as some letter sounds and easy sight words and also simple math. However, he is progressing very well and often reads for an hour at a time! His math is also coming along. It's amazing what a little help and encouragement at home can do.

Boy7 also loves Josh very much. He misses him so much when he goes to work, even if he is just gone overnight! His biological dad has never even seen his son, so Boy7 says, "I don't have a daddy." Josh is teaching him all kinds of things, including chess. I call Josh a "walking encyclopedia" so he is full of information for a curious little boy. And, oh, does Boy7 ever have the questions! He is also learning a ton of vocabulary having come from a bilingual home. (His previous school paperwork actually said there was no English spoken in the home, so who knows?)

Boy1's 1st Birthday!

Boy1

I was hoping for a baby and thankfully Boy1 is still babyish. In fact, he just turned one last week!  he is crawling around and pulling up, but not yet walking. Apparently, he was still on heated formula bottles and was used to being put in bed with one. He refuses to drink from a sippy cup, so I decided to just take one step at a time. After all, he just experienced a huge change in his life. I believe he previously went to daycare, too.

So, I transitioned him to whole milk but still heated and I feed him a bottle before each nap/bedtime. He doesn't really like to rock much, and he does well most of the time just being put into his crib. He sleeps through the night other than waking up from a bad dream, perhaps. He soon goes back to sleep on his own.

He is learning new words and even some baby signs that I'm wondering if he might have learned at the daycare.

Parenting Effectively Part 5: How to Get and Keep Your Child's Heart

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Part 4: Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

How to Get and Keep Your Child's Heart

By far, this is the most important part of parenting. If you don't have a heart-to-heart connection with your child, they will not accept your guidance. You might be able to control them for a time when they are with you, but out of your sight there will be nothing to guide them. Books have been written on the importance of attachment with a child's parents from birth. It is greatly detrimental to a child for the parent(s) to fail to form an attachment to her child, especially in the first year of life. This has been proven by the vast number of children raised in orphanages who were left in a crib for hours with no one holding them. Thankfully, in America and other countries (I assume), we have foster homes instead of orphanages so children can form healthy attachments to adult caregivers. By the way, perhaps this will help some of you understand why we purposely get attached to the children in our home! It is for their emotional and mental health. It will help them learn to form other healthy attachments in the future.

Guidance Instead of Control

No one likes to be controlled by another person, and, if you think about it, should anyone be controlled by another? Our relationships should be respectful to one another. If you're a Christian, you should be guided by the Holy Spirit, but He doesn't even control us. We have the freedom to make our own choices. If you train your child by controlling him will he learn to control himself (or to be gently led by the Holy Spirit)? Remember the long-term effect you want to have on your child. You probably want him to eventually make good choices on his own.

The key to guiding instead of controlling is having that attachment or heart-to-heart connection with your child. How do you make friendships or emotional connections to anyone, including adults? Mutual respect, kindness, taking an interest in what the other person enjoys, spending time with each other. You are still the parent and must have consistent boundaries, which are held in place kindly and firmly, and all of this can be done with respect for yourself and the child. It might be a paradigm shift, a release of control that you don't want to give up, but it might be necessary for the sake of your family.

I love the personal illustrations of Danny Silk in Loving Our Kids on Purpose. Since he had that emotional connection with his children, when it came to them making difficult choices as teenagers, they often chose the path that would not hurt their parents' heart--out of love! We must give our children freedom through choices, little by little, as they grow, so that one day their choices can be governed by love for God, others, and themselves.

Special Time with Your Child

One way to form healthy attachments to your children is to give them lots of positive, personal attention. Children thrive on this! Our little Boy7 seems to be constantly trying to get my attention while I am caring for his baby brother. He even crawls on the floor, talks like a baby, and puts a bib on! This is an unusual example, but a very real one. Boy7 desperately needs attention since he has been caring for his 3 younger siblings alone at his bio home. All children need and love attention, though. It's easy  for a stay-at-home-parent to think you're giving attention to the children all day long, but caring for their basic needs is not the same.

I like Jane Nelson's suggestion (see Positive Discipline Tool Card above) for the amount of special time needed for each child. It is at least a start that can be adjusted to meet your child's needs. In today's busy world, we all need a little prompting to actually sit down and have face-to-face time with our children. What you do during that time can be decided by you and the child together. Scheduling the time is a must if you are a busy parent! (and who isn't, right?)

What can you do today to cultivate a heart-to-heart connection with your child? If it is already damaged you might want to start with a sincere apology for disrespecting her and/or not spending enough time together. Search your own heart first, and don't walk into the room with a list of things he's doing wrong. Be the mature adult in the relationship and fix yourself first.

This concludes the series on Parenting Effectively. I had other points in the outline, but I think they will fit more appropriately in a separate series on Age-Appropriate Discipline. I'll include the things that actually worked with our previous foster children.

I hope and pray that I can implement these parenting methods in my own home. That was the original purpose of this series. I feel like there is so much more that I could say and that I only touched the surface of these subjects. Let us all keep learning and striving to be the best parents we can be! Our kids are worth it!

I'd love to hear your comments or suggestions!

Parenting Effectively Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts in the series:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

If you are a parent having behavior problems with your child, then you most likely want a solution that works…now! Nothing is more annoying than your child doing the opposite of what you want her to do. While I believe the focus of our parenting should be on relationship building and problem-solving skills, there are times when we need some immediate improvement in behavior. This was the case with our three foster children, who were constantly trying to choke and hit each other!

So, if you’re looking for something that has been proven to work, you might want to check out The Kazdin Method. The book comes with a helpful DVD to show you exactly what to do and how to do it. After hearing about it working with some children adopted from foster care, I checked it out at our local library. I’ll just give you a glimpse of his method here but he does encourage parents that the details of the system are very important. It’s not the typical reward chart that didn't work for you in the past.

Did you know that any kind of attention can encourage your child to repeat behavior, including punishment?  When our foster children purposely peed on our brand new carpet, I was furious! They got a negative reaction out of me, but it was still attention—something children crave. Did they repeat the behavior? Yes, and often!

The Positive Opposite

Instead of reacting to the negative behavior you need to first find the positive opposite of that behavior. If the child is throwing his clothes all over the floor of his bedroom, the positive opposite would be him placing his clothes in his dresser or closet. If she keeps getting out of bed again and again for a drink of water to stretch out bedtime, the positive opposite would be her going to bed, getting up no more than once for a drink or bathroom, and remaining in her room.

Specific Praise

According to science, praise is one of the most reliable tools in changing a child’s behavior, but be aware, this does not merely mean saying, “Good job” 100 times a day. Praise must have these attributes:

·         Be very enthusiastic (especially with younger children) 

·         Be specific (“Wow, you got to the breakfast table right when you were told. Way to go!”) 

·         Include touch (a pat on the head or shoulders, high five) 

·         Contingent (Did they do at least part of the desired behavior? Praise the small steps, too!) 

·         Immediate (as soon as they do the desired behavior) 

·         Frequent

Making a Point Chart

A point chart is a day-by-day way of keeping track of and displaying the positive behaviors your child has accomplished and the rewards he or she can earn for them. The book gives detailed instructions for the number of points to give and a list of age-appropriate rewards for children. Be sure to make it possible for the child to earn small rewards often (every day, at least at first). Also, it is important to break the desired behavior into small, doable steps.  Even if you think your child should be able to sit and do an hour of homework, start out with 10 minutes at a time, if he usually refuses to do any. You may also want to have an additional incentive chart that totals all the points earned (spent or not spent) to get a more expensive reward—something the child has been asking for.

·         Praise is the main objective, rewards are secondary. 

·         Don’t wait for perfection to praise or give points. 

·         Break the behavior into small steps.  “Yay! You’re walking to your bedroom right when I told you to go to bed!” 

·         Be careful not to punish with your words. Never add a “but” to your statement of praise. If they don’t do the desired behavior, calmly say, “No point this time. You can try again later.”

Practicing the Good Behavior

When you and your child are calm and in a good mood he can practice doing the positive opposite for points. If you’re breaking the terrible tantrum into doable parts, have him pretend to throw a tantrum without hitting anyone. Praise him, using the criteria above, and give him a point (or two, whatever your scale is) for not hitting. Eventually, you can move on to not throwing things during a tantrum, and finally staying calm when something usually triggers a tantrum. Practice every day and don’t be stingy with praise or points!

Remember, this method is designed to be used temporarily. The goal is to create a habit of positive behavior. This is just one tool for parenting your parenting toolbox and it shouldn't be used excessively.

The details are lined out in this book: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E.Kazdin

Parenting Effectively Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

This is a series I began writing for myself and later decided to share it here. 

Introduction

Control Your Own Behavior

How can we expect our children to change their behavior when we can’t control our own behavior? If you have ever yelled at your child or tried to modify his behavior while you are angry, then you know how difficult it is to stay calm when your child is out of control. But if you want your child to change, then you might remind yourself how great of a challenge changing behavior can be, for people of all ages.

The Dangers of Anger

Being angry and especially punishing a child while angry will bring the long-term result of one of the following:

1.      Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2.      Rebellion: “I’ll do just the opposite to prove that they can’t make me do it their way.”
3.      Revenge: “They may be winning now, but I’ll get even with them!”
4.      Retreat: “I won’t get caught next time” (sneakiness) or “I am a bad person” (low self-esteem).
(Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson)

If you frequently find yourself out of control and angry, consider asking a friend to either help with your children or to watch them for a while, while you learn to control your anger. When you do get angry, go to another room to cool off. If you cannot leave the scene breathe deeply and pray for calmness!

When we had three foster children with very challenging behaviors I would get angry and yell. Unfortunately, although I knew I was supposed to go to another room to cool off, during that moment I would forget there was such a thing as cooling off! My brain was in fight/flight mode.

One solution to this problem is to have family members give you a signal (touch their nose, point to your cool off spot) to remind you to get back into a better state of mind before saying or doing something you might regret. It might be just enough distraction to get your brain back on the right track.

Make a Cool-off Spot

Time-out is for parents, too! I know I certainly needed time out when I was frazzled after watching our 6 year old foster son throw terrible tantrums, day after day. I recently made a cool-off spot in my bedroom. Some parents have said that their child would just follow them in there, but we had a rule that the children were not allowed in our bedroom. If you have to make such a rule, put a lock on your bedroom door, or lock yourself in the bathroom--do whatever it takes to allow yourself time to cool off. (Always make sure the children are safe during this time--another good reason to have a spouse or friend to help watch the children while you learn to cool-off.)

Your cool-off spot is designed to help you feel better, so put things that you like in your spot. My spot is in the corner of my bedroom and has:

·         a comfy chair

·         a book with inspirational sayings

·         chocolates

·         Scriptures

·         signs to remind me to breathe deeply or pray.

Practice waiting before discussing behavior

Your goals are to:

·     Stay calm and respectful, especially when your child is acting out or having a meltdown.

·    Avoid dealing with your child in anger or attempting to control because it will make the interaction seem like punishment.

Going to your cool-off spot can give you time to calm down before addressing your child’s behavior. When you feel that you can accomplish the goals above, then you are ready to address your child’s behavior in a kind and firm manner.

It is okay to have your feelings, but don’t be disrespectful. You could say something like, “I am too angry to discuss this right now. I am going to my cool-off spot for a few minutes.” This is great modeling for your child, too!

Be sure to apologize to your child when you do lose control of yourself and do or say something that was disrespectful or unkind. The connection to your child is vitally important, which we will discuss in a future post.

Other Helpful Thoughts:

Quotes from the Bible:

• Colossians 3:21  Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
• Proverbs 15:1  A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
• James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
• James 1:26  If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
• Proverbs 15:18  A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
• Proverbs 25:28  He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

Sing: “Have Thine Own Way” or “It is Well”

Pray: Holy Spirit, give me the power to stay calm and let God’s love shine through to my family.