Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 1

Recognizing Childhood Abuse

I am thankful for the foster care system because, in spite of all its issues, children are being helped and kept safe in a lot of situations. However, wouldn't it be great if we could stop the abuse and neglect of children before it happens?

How many times have you thought, "How on earth can a mother do something so horrible to an innocent child?" It is horrible and I hate it and at the same time I can't help but picture that birth mother and what her childhood must have been like. More often than not the pain that she has inflicted on her children mirrors the pain in her own childhood. 

In no way does this make it right or less horrific. But I think it should make more parents think about themselves and the way they parent. (I know it does me.) Surely a parent who brings a sweet newborn into the world never imagines themselves hurting that child to the point of breaking their bones, yet it happens so often. I know drugs (including alcohol) plays a major part and causes people to not even be in their right mind. But wouldn't you think that most abuse or neglect started out as occasional anger, desperation, or being overwhelmed? I know there are exceptions to this, believe me. I'm enraged about it just as much as you are!

I am not making an excuse for their behavior. I am trying to analyze it and see if you or I can do anything to prevent it. Call me crazy, but I dream of a place where birth mothers and their children can be helped. Parenting classes, therapy, help in finding a job...hmm...this sounds familiar...oh wait! CPS does this already and yet so many birth parents do the same harmful things over and over. People just need serious help and, honestly, they have to want it. You would think that the well being of their children would be enough motivation. (sigh)

A Painful Realization

When we took in our first precious foster children we immediately saw the effects of their abuse. They acted out the things that happened to them on baby dolls and each other. It was so shocking and sad. I thought I had buried my own abuse long ago, but terrifyingly enough, it brought flashbacks that I did not want to relive.

After spending four months trying to parent three traumatized children I was exhausted in every way imaginable. The thing that scared me the most was the anger I felt when things were out of control. The six year old had several tantrums a day so it felt chaotic quite often. Because of my own ignored abuse my defense mechanisms were up and instead of picking a tool from positive discipline I grabbed the one I was most familiar with. I hated myself for yelling and getting angry, and it scared me.

...to be continued

Read Part 2