Update & Grieving the Loss of Children

This is probably going to be a depressing post, but it's my blog and I am allowed to post my feelings. No one is required to read any of it.

Tonight I received a text from the boys' case worker and she once again said she would not be able to come pick up the rest of their belongings. We were supposed to meet tomorrow. Valor and Levi left nearly 6 months ago--without most of their belongings, which we had bought for them. Another unnecessary loss in their precious lives.

We offered to drive to their new foster home several hours away to bring them their belongings. "No, we'll come pick them up." After several phone calls to the CASA and their case worker they still have not come. I just spent a couple of hours writing the boys a letter and watching every single video and photo we have of them. I was also making a DVD of all of them for the boys. In one sense that time was wasted since they have once again delayed coming to get their stuff. On the other hand, it was more time to grieve the loss of the boys.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I have no doubt that saying good-bye to foster children is similar to the experience of the death of a child. Over the past several months I have found myself crying at random times, especially when I went shopping with friends in the children's clothing section. Children who are their age remind me so much of them, especially Levi. We experienced so many of his firsts.

I have no idea whether we will ever see or hear from them again. Supposedly the goal is still reunification with the mom whom they have given a 6 month extension on correcting her behavior and setting up a proper home for them. 

My focus just needs to be those 8 months of good they had in our home. They learned so much and so did we. One thing I learned is that I am not emotionally strong enough to be a foster parent, at least not at this point in my life. We purposely took 6 months off to take time to grieve and revitalize ourselves for whatever children God brings into our lives again.

At this point our goal is to get our new business (real estate investment) up and running to where Josh can be running it full time at home. In the meantime I am taking some baby sitting jobs and trying to prepare myself to be a better mother.