When You Pick Up the Hot Dog Then You May Play With Your Train

Last week I babysat two boys—17 months and 3 years old. I really thought I would have more trouble out of the 17 month old since I have had issues with that age in the past. To my surprise the three year old challenged me more. I usually have little trouble out of three year old boys, but maybe that’s just me.

One of the methods I found that worked with N. was the “When you do this, then you may do that” statement. I learned it from Positive Discipline. Here is one scenario to show you how it works:

N. (3 yr old boy) had just finished his lunch where he had thrown pieces of his hot dog on the floor with much delight.

He was down from his chair and started to head for the stairway when he said, “I’m going to play with my train set upstairs.”

“Okay,” I cheerfully replied, but then I added, “When you pick up the hot dog pieces, you may play with your train.”

I said this kindly and firmly.

He continued to head for the stairs. I followed him repeating what I had just said in the same tone.

He replied, “I don’t want to pick up the hot dogs. I want to play with my train.”

As he headed up the stairs I gently put my hand on his arm to get ready to lead him into the dining room, if necessary. Immediately, though, he said, “Okay, I’ll pick up my hot dogs and then I’ll play with my train.” He did not act upset or mad at all; he just obeyed.

A victory always feels nice, especially when there is no yelling, anger, or punishment involved. This simple method of kindly and firmly repeating the “when and then” statement over and over worked several times with N.

Radical Parenting

Hey, I'll be away from my computer for several days, but in the meantime you might want to check out this new website I found called Radical Parenting. I haven't had a chance to read much yet myself, unfortunately.

Vanessa Van Petten at Radical Parenting is giving away a FREE e-book about communicating with your teens and tweens. Most parents could use a little help in this area, especially since it happens to be the key to having great teenage years.

What To Do When Kids Just Won’t Listen

This was originally posted on a previous blog of mine on  May 1, 2010 while we were serving in Indonesia as missionaries.

I wish you could hear their voices—the laughter, the screaming, the sound of their imaginative play. These are the children who play in our yard. There are around 30 of them, and they also attend our Sunday School, whenever they take the initiative to run all the way up the hill to the church building. We are starting to see some of the parents come to see what this church is all about also, but that is for another post.

The other afternoon the noise had a different tune to it. Once again they had gone to the forbidden spot behind our house and grabbed about 20 of our empty aluminum cans (fruit, cream of chicken soup, etc) and were using them as drums. As one beat the drums the other children were dancing about with leafy branches from our trees. They were having their very own traditional Papuan festival.

Looking back, I wish I would have videoed the whole scene. Unfortunately, I saw them and was not very happy because they had disobeyed again. There is just one spot they where cannot play or go--behind our house. Since they are not taught to obey with consistency and love at home, they think nothing of rules. I am not with them all the time, but I refuse to resort to their parents’ tactics of hitting them or slapping them across the face, not to mention the ugly and degrading words they use.

Anyway, I was not happy, so I breathed deeply first and went out and told them to put the cans back. I started to say, “How many times have I told you not to…?” But then I thought how ridiculous the question was, not to mention unhelpful. They looked at me with fearful eyes as they put the cans away as quickly as they could. I wanted them to see the love of Christ in me.

Thankfully, the positive discipline ideas that I’ve studied came to mind. “Let’s think of a solution to this, okay?” I said this as I squatted down to their level.

They didn’t know what to think. “You like playing with these cans, don’t you?”

They nodded.

“Why don’t I get a bucket and put some of these cans in it, and we’ll put it over behind the well. As long as you are playing in my yard you can do what you want with them, but before you go home you must put them back in the bucket.”

I went over it again with them and asked them what they are to do before they go home. “Put them away!” They happily answered.

I customarily shook each of their hands, smiled, and went back inside my house. A few minutes later I came back out with some cookies for them.

They probably think I’m the craziest woman alive!

The Grandparent Syndrome

Most children absolutely love going to Grandma’s house! And we know how much grandparents love their grandchildren. What is it about this relationship that makes it so special?

While there are probably a variety of reasons why the grandchild/grandparent relationship is so good, I am only going to point out a few. My purpose is to see what parents can learn from “the grandparent syndrome”.

I know all of these are not true of every grandparent, but these seem to be true of most. They could also be true of aunts, uncles, and other caregivers.

• Grandparents get a break. Because they are not with them every day they seem to have more energy and zeal to care for the children. I am not advocating that parents spend a lot of time away from their children, in fact, I am all for stay-at-home mothers and attentive fathers. The truth is, though, they need a break sometimes! Something should be said about whom parents leave their children with, but that is an entirely different subject for another time.
• Grandparents allow them to make mistakes. Grandparents seem to love their grandchildren unconditionally. While they might not let them get away with everything, they do extend some grace for making mistakes. You get the point. I didn’t say it was easy! I am just making observations.
• Grandparents try to win the child’s heart. Every grandparent wants to be loved by that little grandbaby. This is probably the most important thing parents can learn. “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.” (Proverbs 23:26) Grandpa goes about trying to win that grandson’s heart by giving him undivided attention and really listening to him. He pulls him around in that wagon until they are both worn out. Grandma patiently teaches her granddaughter how to bake cookies, and they both love every minute of it! They are making time for the important people in their lives.

Sticks and Stones

 We literally ingest the messages we get from our childhood, metabolizing them into words of personal strength and capability, or weakness and ineptitude. Then these ideas, strung out into repetitions reinforced by experience, form the architectural framework for all of our life experiences. (Marsha Sinetar)

The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me,” couldn’t be further from the truth.

Not long ago a visiting evangelist was preaching to an assembly of all ages. Shortly after he stood behind the pulpit to begin his sermon, he stepped down and stood in front of the congregation to be closer to them. Immediately a young man about 16 years old jumped up and started to fetch a stand for the man’s notes. He had just gotten out of his seat on the front row and was about to walk in front of the evangelist when the man said, “Where are you going?”

“To get a podium for you.”

“No, no, I don’t need one.”

The story could have ended there with the young man embarrassed for his initiative and spontaneity. Maybe next time he would have hesitated to be so helpful, worried he would do something wrong.

Instead, the thoughtful evangelist said, “Thank you, though. Give this young man a raise!” With those few kind words the boy beamed with a smile of relief and joy.  A dose of confidence had just been given to him.

How much time and energy did it take for the evangelist to say those words? Not much at all, but I suspect the results far outweigh the effort.

What messages are we sending our children?

A New Chapter Begins

Now, if I only knew the title! Been blogging for nearly six years, mostly from Indonesia. My husband and I spent several years there planting a church, but that's another story in itself...more like a book.

I am destined to work with children because they are my passion, though I have none of my own. We plan to become foster parents in about a year. We're still trying to get settled back in here in America. Soon I hope to be involved in some kind of children's ministry. I couldn't resist starting a blog since I'll be taking the irrelevant ones down soon.