Annoying Behavior and the Reason Behind It, Part 2

In Part One I told you a story about poop-smearing and the reason behind the girl's behavior. Often kids do things that seem unnecessary or just plain annoying. Nobody is perfect. I do dumb things myself. It helps to remember that kids should not be expected to be perfect.

Jane Nelson made a handy chart to explain the reasons behind some of the annoying behavior we find in our children. (If the print is too small to read leave a comment or send me an email and I will email you the pdf version.) Check out PositiveDiscipline.com for more info on her books.

You will notice on the chart that when you feel annoyed for having to remind your child to do something, the child's goal is undue attention. (S)He mistakenly thinks, "I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me."

So, how should we respond to this behavior in a way that is healthy and beneficial to the child? Here are Jane's ideas: "Redirect by involving child in a useful task to gain useful attention; ignore (touch without words); say what you will do, “I love you and ____.” (Example: I care about you and will spend time with you later.”) Avoid special service; have faith in child to deal with feelings (don’t fix or rescue); plan special time; set up routines; engage child in problem-solving; use family/class meetings; set up nonverbal signals."

Just the other day in the grocery store I saw the classic annoyed mother and two preschool age boys in the cart. Mom said, "Stop it and sit down! Why do you do this every time we go to the grocery store? Every time!" Nothing was in her cart yet so she had obviously just begun shopping. 

What could she have done with those boys? My first thought was: involve them in the shopping! Most kids would enjoy getting two cans of green beans off the shelf (if asked in a kind voice) and putting them in the basket. How many more seconds could it take for the child to take the item off the shelf than for you to do it? 

That little boy in the basket who was singing a little song and dancing around just wanted to be involved--to be a part of what his mother was doing. So many learning games could be played in the grocery store, and they wouldn't take up that much more time. How many items are on our shopping list. How many in the cart? How many more do we have to get? Of course, the older the child the more advanced the game could be.

Get creative and take the time to involve your child in what you are doing. It might take some effort but I guarantee you your child will not annoy you as much!