The Story of Valor and Levi: Hope Delayed

Part 6  June 2013

Two months had finally passed, during which the case worker had been increasingly optimistic about the birth mom getting her kids back. Eager to find out the result of the Permanency Conference I contacted the CASA to find out the date, so we could attend it. The CASA contacted the case worker to find out the date of the conference and she said, "Oh, we're not having a Permanency Conference in June. The next court date is set for October." What?! It was clearly stated and documented that they would reevaluate the situation in June. Now, CPS was ignoring this fact.

The CASA said she would find out more and try to get them to keep their word about the conference. So, later I asked again about the date of the Permanency Conference and if the birth mom was making any progress on housing.  She called me back and told me some shocking news.

The birth mom was coming along on the house and might even start having extended visits with the children by July or August. It looked like she was going to get the kids back. Not only that, but CPS found another foster home closer to their office that would take all four children. 

During this confusion Valor told his therapist something bad that his birth mom had done to him while he still lived with her. I was told to inform the case worker asap. When I called her she just shoved it off as if it didn't matter since he had not made the outcry when they were first removed from the home. Abuse is unacceptable no matter when it happens! 

I was encouraged to call the children's attorney ad litem, so I left a message on his voicemail. However, the sisters will probably be moving to another foster home regardless, and if they are going to move they will probably move all four of them to this new foster home they found.

We are still hoping for a miracle. Time will tell what Part 7 holds for these precious boys.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi

Part 1 Back to the Beginning

Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends

Part 4 Adoption?

Part 5 Anxiously Waiting

The Story of Valor and Levi: Anxiously Waiting

Part 5 February-May 2013

They told the birth mom if she did not find housing for the children within the next two months they would change the primary goal to adoption instead of reunification. 

Although the boys were not officially ours we were a family. Valor and Levi began calling us Mama and Daddy and were loving being in our home. I began to tell family and friends that we were planning to adopt the boys. Everyone seemed thrilled! We were the happiest parents on earth. I can't begin to describe the joy these boys brought to us. 

Valor began to understand more and more about why he was in foster care and what adoption meant. We did not intentionally tell him that we were hoping to adopt him, but we said yes when he asked if we wanted to adopt them. He came to us one day, though, and said he wanted us to adopt him. He struggled with the fact that he loves his birth mother dearly but he also loves us. We all struggled with the uncertainty of the future of our family.

We were so hopeful about adopting the boys throughout these months. The CASA had concerns about the birth mother and from what I was hearing, she did not sound stable enough to care for four little ones. This was very sad, but at the same time it gave us hope that they would become adoptable.

On April 2, 2013 a Permanency Conference was held for the children. We were able to attend via conference call. We learned more things about the children's history and the progress the birth mother was making. She had taken the required classes, but still had not secured appropriate housing and beds for the children. The CPS supervisor and the children's attorney spoke up and said some things that the birth mom needed to hear. Then, they told her if she did not find housing for the children within the next two months they would change the primary goal to adoption instead of reunification. 

Two months! We anxiously awaited the news and when people asked how the adoption process was coming I told them we should find out if it is even possible in June. Summer could not come fast enough!

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Adoption?

Part 4 January 2013

"I have been seriously praying about adopting these boys." The shocking words came from my husband one night when I was at the end of my emotional strength.

Valor's excessive attachment, the tantrums and other things started to wear me down while we were there in Iowa. I was having a lot of anxiety, and then Josh's grandpa passed away. So, we also had to deal with the emotional trauma of a death with our son. He was already a very sensitive child and it was only escalating. He had just met Josh's grandpa but that didn't matter. It was very tough for him (not to mention us). 

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse. Josh and I got very sick right before his Grandpa's funeral. I had to stay in bed for two days, not able to care for our boys. Thankfully we had help.

The Unexpected Drop

The stomach-wrenching fall down the other side of the roller coaster came via an email from the case worker while we were still in Iowa between the death of Josh's grandpa and when I got sick.

"...I want to also take this time to notify you both that I will be exploring the option of moving all four children within the next month.  Once I know more of the details I will contact each of you to discuss the matter further.  I just wanted to let you know that the potential for family placement is very real in this case and will be explored more thoroughly over the next few weeks..."  (email from the CPS case worker)

The drop was like a blow to the stomach. I didn't even know what to think or feel. It was pure devastation. A complete ripping away of my hopes and dreams. It might sound dramatic, but that is how I felt!

It took me weeks to get over the physical exhaustion of the flu and/or whatever I had, and on top of everything else thinking we were about to lose our boys, I was at the end of my emotional strength. I was done with the heart-wrenching pain of fostering little ones and seeing them leave. I told Josh I just couldn't handle it anymore, so we talked about taking a break and just doing respite care for a while.

A Ray of Hope

Suddenly, though, Josh told me he had been seriously praying about adopting Valor and Levi. Knowing how quickly attached I get to children, he did not tell me about this until he had to. Since CPS was seriously considering moving the boys to another foster home he knew we had to tell them that we would love to adopt them if they came available. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! One minute I think we're going to lose them forever and the next minute I'm told Josh wants to adopt them!

We discovered that the sisters' foster family wanted to adopt the girls and since they were settled in their home so close to us, CASA fought against moving the children. Over the following months CPS tried to move all four children again and CASA once again stood up for our kids. As you might guess, it is detrimental to move children from foster home to foster home, especially once they are settled in.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: The Honeymoon Ends

Part 3

We don't know exactly what triggered the emotional breakdown, but he has not been the same since. Our (almost) perfect little 7 year old turned into a terrified, clingy little boy who couldn't stand to leave our sight, and if we didn't give him our undivided attention at all times he would get very upset and cry.

Exhausted but Hopeful

Okay, so the roller coaster of emotions actually began the day we welcomed Valor and Levi to our home. However, although I have always hoped we would adopt children someday, Josh had always reminded me our goal was to help children heal and make a difference in their lives as long as they were in foster care--not to adopt them. I also knew, though, that my husband had a tender heart deep down, and that someday a child would reach inside him and squeeze his heart until he could resist no longer. What I didn't know is that it would happen so quickly!

I am a very emotionally sensitive person who is an introvert and cannot seem to handle a lot of people or stress for long periods of time. (Read this article for more details.) I am more than happy and very thankful that my husband works hard enough for me to stay home with our foster children and give them my full attention. We both feel very strongly about the importance of a mother being the primary caregiver of her child. I know that isn't always possible, especially in the case where a father leaves the family and the mother must provide an income. Yes, I have a degree. Yes, I am capable of  holding down a job. I did it all four years of college and made it to a supervisor position. I don't care that I don't have a "career". Nothing is more important to me than being home with our foster children! 

Anyway, even though I love staying home with the children, dealing with emotionally unstable, tantrum-throwing children who are not your own gets tiring and overwhelming at times. Did I mention all the required appointments, paperwork, rules and visits from workers, too? I've heard just dealing with your own, happy, stable child gets tiring, too, so you can only imagine! :-) Not complaining, just stating facts.

So as we were bonding more and more with these boys and our family and friends are falling in love with them, and even strangers at the store think they are ours, we begin to see what a perfect fit they are to our family in so many ways. I wanted to keep them from day 1 and was secretly hoping that Josh would fall in love enough to agree to adopt them when the time came. We were very attached to the boys. Life was good, if I could just ignore that nagging thought of the boys leaving one day.

I was also worried that we wouldn't be able to take them to Iowa with us for a week or so. We usually go there to visit Josh's parents and family for Christmas or the week following. I didn't want to think of having to leave our boys with someone else, especially for that length of time. I knew they would also have a very hard time since they were so attached to us. Thankfully, the trip was approved by all parties! 

The Honeymoon Comes to a Screeching Halt

First road trip with the boys! The long trip there was very good and we were thrilled to introduce our boys to their second set of foster grandparents! They seemed to enjoy the boys, too. Levi goes to anyone and loves new people. Valor steals people's hearts with his adorable smile.

On top of being exhausted, being away from home, and not knowing the future, the "honeymoon phase" of Valor's stay in our home ended when something triggered some fear in him. It was right in the middle of our vacation in Iowa. (Foster children often go through a honeymoon phase of being extra good for a few weeks or months. Our first placement had no honeymoon phase at all, though!)

Josh's parents are fun, laid-back people who enjoy having a lot of people around. They have a spacious home, so they had a Christmas gathering with at least 50 people there. At some point during the party Valor freaked out. (We were with him the entire time, so nothing could have happened to him that we didn't see.) We don't know exactly what triggered the emotional breakdown, but he has not been the same since. Our (almost) perfect little 7 year old turned into a terrified, clingy little boy who couldn't stand to leave our sight, and if we didn't give him our undivided attention at all times he would get very upset and cry. One thing that really got him upset was when Josh and I would sit by each other. There was room for him right beside us but he couldn't stand us being close together and would insist on one of us giving him our full attention. We couldn't go to the bathroom without explaining why we were leaving the room. 

To be continued...

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 2 November/December 2012

Please, remember I am just one foster parent with my own experiences. We have only had two placements, and I'm simply sharing my thoughts, perceptions, and feelings about our cases. These posts are not meant to give guidance or advice to anyone. I find it comforting, however, when reading other foster parent blogs to know there is someone out there experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. That is the purpose of this blog.

Throughout those first two months we began to fall in love with these sweet boys who came to us. We had no idea about their future since usually the first goal of CPS is to reunite the children with their birth family. It pretty much all depended on the mom and if she would make the necessary changes to herself and their home environment.

Bonding with foster children is almost inevitable. The children are desperate for someone to love and care for them, so they cannot get enough attention and physical touch from us! Valor fell flat in love with Josh the moment he met him. He had no other daddy in the picture to divide his love with so he jumped in with both feet. 

It was different with me because Valor had a strong bond with his birth mother. He loved her dearly and seemed very confused as to why he was taken away from her. (Children don't seem to realize that the abuse and neglect they experienced isn't normal.) He also defended his mom and would speak positively of her. I am glad he had a good perspective of her and good memories, but it did prevent him from bonding with me, at first. He wouldn't sit too close to me and waited for quite a while to actually say, "I love you" back. After the first couple of visits and a phone call from the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate), I discovered why.

The Visits with Birth Mom 

It often seems foster children naturally miss their birth mother no matter what horrendous things she has done to them or failed to do. They are confused and in both of our sibling group placements the children had mixed feelings about visiting their birth mom. Sometimes they really wanted to see her, other times they did not want to visit her at all. It was always emotionally exhausting for all of us, and still is!

The CASA called me and told me what the visit was like. The birth mom and all four children were in a very small room with a sofa and toys. The room had a window where the case worker and CASA and others could supervise to see how the mother handled the children. CASA said that the mother had no parenting skills at all and acted more like a sibling to the children instead of their mother. CPS continually had to intervene and tell her what she needed to do. 

Then, I found out why my 7 year old had so much trouble bonding with me. His own mother ignored him when he spoke to her. He tried and tried for the two hour visit to get her attention but she refused. He tried to sit by her and she would complain about how close he sat to her. My heart broke, but I had a better understanding of why the sweetest boy in the world could not let himself get close to me. 

From then on I started giving him more hugs and sat as close as I could to him and showed him how much I cared for him. Then, one day he melted in my arms. He let himself fall in love with me and now nothing will stop him. He came to the understanding that he could love both of us at the same time. He shared with me that he felt that he was betraying his own mother if he let himself love me. 

I didn't mention Levi much because he seemed to show no connection to his birth mother at all. He didn't get excited when he saw her or upset when he was taken away. He has, however, showed both of those signs with me. It is apparent he is very attached to me (and I to him!). I don't know whether it is his age, his personality, the neglect of his mother, or a combination of all of these things. It just seems sad to me, but I am thankful we have a bond.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 1 Back to the Beginning
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

The Story of Valor and Levi: Back to the Beginning

Part 1 November 5, 2012

That Unforgettable Night

Seven short months ago my husband received a call about two boys (7 and almost 1) who had been removed from their home and needed a foster home immediately. Josh gladly said yes and had them call me to make sure. Their ages were almost exactly what we had hoped for. Honestly, after having 3 children 6 and under who had major behavior issues as our first placement, this gap in age was about all I thought I could handle! They said the boys had been no trouble at all at the office all day. The 7 year old was very respectful, and they were right!

Valor* (7) and Levi* (now 18 mo.) were brought to us around 10:30pm.  Valor was quiet and very sweet, smiling at everything we said. Now that I know him well, I know he was nervous, scared, and trying to please us the best he knew how. He is fully Hispanic and had a short, buzzed haircut. Levi was very tired and hardly made any sound or facial expression. His hair was dark brown (exactly the same color as mine) and covering his ears. He was wearing a black onesie that had the name of a heavy metal band on it. 

Sisters!

We later found out that they had two sisters (3 and 5) who were placed in another foster home with our agency just 5.5 miles from us! Neither of us were asked to take all four and I didn't remember them telling us about the other two when we got the call. I don't know whose decision it was to separate them or why. The girls are beautiful Hispanic little girls but over the past months the results of trauma in the birth home have manifested themselves in their behavior. It is interesting how different the boys' behavior is from the girls. Apparently, they have lived apart before because Valor told me the girls lived with their grandparents for a while when his mom was expecting Levi, so Valor had his mom all to himself during that time.

Their History

I often wonder how much is appropriate to post online and then I read other foster parents blog who tell almost everything! I will just say that children are removed from their birth home and placed into foster care because of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. In this case, the children were not abandoned. That about covers it. 

Valor was apparently conceived when his mother was very young. His dad went to prison sometime around Valor's birth. He was released in 2011 and finally chose to see his son for the very first time around February 2013. Valor's birth mom had always told him he didn't have a daddy, so he believed her. Since he asks so many questions, including how babies get here, I had to explain that he does have a daddy. He had already accepted Josh as his current daddy, but was thrilled and amazed to meet his biological dad! Unfortunately, he has not come back to visit him since and we don't know if he will continue to stay in contact with him.

The sisters' father is somewhere in another country and no one has been able to reach him. Valor said his mom was married to him and then divorced a few years later. He said they lived in Mexico for a while.

At some point the birth mom met Levi's birth father. Their relationship was very detrimental to the family. However, a beautiful baby boy came from it! The father did not even know she was pregnant and left sometime before it would be evident. In fact, he did not know he had a son until Levi came to our home. He still has not made contact with or seen his son. He is Caucasian, so Levi is half Hispanic and half Caucasian.

By the way, if you've heard of some wonderful family who had their children taken away from them, it must have been a rare case. DFPS (CPS) does not have the time or resources to remove children on some whim every time they hear of someone "spanking" their child. The birth families are usually investigated more than once and the neglect or abuse is serious enough for the child to be unsafe. No, CPS isn't always right and no, they don't always make the right decisions but they are getting children out of harmful environments and putting them in safe, loving homes. For that, I am very  thankful.

*Valor and Levi are not their real names.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi
Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond
Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends
Part 4 Adoption?
Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed

Six Month Progress Report of Levi

I wrote this post over a month ago, so he has progressed more since then.

Levi is blowing kisses to me as I type this post. He is a sweet 17 month old most of the time. Just for fun and for my records... Here's what Levi has been up to lately!

• learned to push a drawer or container up to the couch in order to climb onto it by himself
• is reaching doorknobs!
• eats just about anything we give him
• his nighttime drinking from a bottle or sippy cup while I hold him has been eliminated. He basically weaned himself from this when he pushed away his cup and wanted to go straight to bed 2-3 nights in a row. His new bedtime routine has transitioned to singing "Jesus Loves Me" and then praying with him while I cuddle him. He goes around blowing kisses to brother and Daddy first, and sometimes they get an actual hug and kiss.
• He has been telling me when he has a bm for quite a while since I say "poo-poo" every time I catch him going. Now, he says "poo-poo, diaper" when he is finished and starts walking to his room to be changed. 
• His new thing is to say "hot, hot, hot" when I serve him food. He feeds himself fairly well with a spoon and sometimes with a toddler fork.
• He loves to take his dirty diaper (in a plastic bag) to the trash can in the garage. He is so proud of himself when he does this!
• is going through the screaming/squealing stage...please pass the earplugs!
• He is getting really good at picking up his toys! He knows how to put things back into the containers and onto the shelf.
• He is understanding when we tell him to stop or leave something alone. He doesn't always obey but a lot of the time he makes the right choice. This is a huge relief because I was really at a loss as to what to do with a toddler with limited allowances.
• He says "please" (pe) most of the time when he wants something instead of screeching.