Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 2

Dealing With Childhood Abuse as an Adult

(continued from Part 1)

I sincerely thought that suppressing my own issues and reading tons of positive parenting books would make me a better parent. I guess it did at times, when I wasn't feeling the rage from the buried pain of my own abuse.

I could have ignored this and told myself that every parent gets angry at times and every parent has yelled at their kid a time or two. Sorry, but I don't want to be that kind of parent. One who makes mistakes? Well, that is inevitable, but if I can't control my own temper how can I expect a small child to control his own behavior? 

I tried hard to change on my own. We took a long break in between the first and second placement of foster children. It did help some, and I must admit, I like the way I parented the next set of foster kids much better. There were times I made mistakes, but thankfully, it was minor and I was able to apologize to our seven year old for being impatient or controlling. I still had a huge dose of impatience with our toddler for pretty much just acting his age, though.

Not liking what I saw in myself, I decided to seek professional help. It took a while to find the right counselor but eventually I found her. She has opened my eyes to things I was so blind to. It has been an amazing experience and I feel as if I am just starting the journey to healing. Perhaps someday I can help birth mothers in some way. Until then, I will deal with my own issues and plead with others to do the same.

I am writing this because I doubt your own childhood was perfect. My hope is to see other parents open their eyes to their faults and to the fact that they just might be recreating their own childhood in their own home. Please don't just assume that the method your parents used is the right one or the one that that seemingly perfect family at church is using.

Don't just read one parenting book. (Children have been killed because of this one mistake of blindly following a book that someone wrote about spanking.) Read as many as possible or at least read articles on several websites. Find ones that seem to go against the methods you are using. I did that many years ago before I even had kids and now I have a huge toolbox with many tools to choose from. I still need wisdom from God and help from a counselor to make them become the initial response to negative behavior though. Parenting is work, but the children are so worth it.

To their credit our agency did ask during the home study whether we had been abused as children and how we dealt with it and how it effects us now. Well, we had never been parents before so we didn't really know until we had kids in our house! I had always had positive experiences in dealing with any children I babysat and taught. I thought I was very patient. :-\  (By the way, I don't mention Josh much in this because he has been great with all of our kids. He is kind and patient all the time with them, but he is also not home all day with them.)

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 1

Recognizing Childhood Abuse

I am thankful for the foster care system because, in spite of all its issues, children are being helped and kept safe in a lot of situations. However, wouldn't it be great if we could stop the abuse and neglect of children before it happens?

How many times have you thought, "How on earth can a mother do something so horrible to an innocent child?" It is horrible and I hate it and at the same time I can't help but picture that birth mother and what her childhood must have been like. More often than not the pain that she has inflicted on her children mirrors the pain in her own childhood. 

In no way does this make it right or less horrific. But I think it should make more parents think about themselves and the way they parent. (I know it does me.) Surely a parent who brings a sweet newborn into the world never imagines themselves hurting that child to the point of breaking their bones, yet it happens so often. I know drugs (including alcohol) plays a major part and causes people to not even be in their right mind. But wouldn't you think that most abuse or neglect started out as occasional anger, desperation, or being overwhelmed? I know there are exceptions to this, believe me. I'm enraged about it just as much as you are!

I am not making an excuse for their behavior. I am trying to analyze it and see if you or I can do anything to prevent it. Call me crazy, but I dream of a place where birth mothers and their children can be helped. Parenting classes, therapy, help in finding a job...hmm...this sounds familiar...oh wait! CPS does this already and yet so many birth parents do the same harmful things over and over. People just need serious help and, honestly, they have to want it. You would think that the well being of their children would be enough motivation. (sigh)

A Painful Realization

When we took in our first precious foster children we immediately saw the effects of their abuse. They acted out the things that happened to them on baby dolls and each other. It was so shocking and sad. I thought I had buried my own abuse long ago, but terrifyingly enough, it brought flashbacks that I did not want to relive.

After spending four months trying to parent three traumatized children I was exhausted in every way imaginable. The thing that scared me the most was the anger I felt when things were out of control. The six year old had several tantrums a day so it felt chaotic quite often. Because of my own ignored abuse my defense mechanisms were up and instead of picking a tool from positive discipline I grabbed the one I was most familiar with. I hated myself for yelling and getting angry, and it scared me.

...to be continued

Read Part 2