Parenting Effectively Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

This is a series I began writing for myself and later decided to share it here. 

Introduction

Control Your Own Behavior

How can we expect our children to change their behavior when we can’t control our own behavior? If you have ever yelled at your child or tried to modify his behavior while you are angry, then you know how difficult it is to stay calm when your child is out of control. But if you want your child to change, then you might remind yourself how great of a challenge changing behavior can be, for people of all ages.

The Dangers of Anger

Being angry and especially punishing a child while angry will bring the long-term result of one of the following:

1.      Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2.      Rebellion: “I’ll do just the opposite to prove that they can’t make me do it their way.”
3.      Revenge: “They may be winning now, but I’ll get even with them!”
4.      Retreat: “I won’t get caught next time” (sneakiness) or “I am a bad person” (low self-esteem).
(Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson)

If you frequently find yourself out of control and angry, consider asking a friend to either help with your children or to watch them for a while, while you learn to control your anger. When you do get angry, go to another room to cool off. If you cannot leave the scene breathe deeply and pray for calmness!

When we had three foster children with very challenging behaviors I would get angry and yell. Unfortunately, although I knew I was supposed to go to another room to cool off, during that moment I would forget there was such a thing as cooling off! My brain was in fight/flight mode.

One solution to this problem is to have family members give you a signal (touch their nose, point to your cool off spot) to remind you to get back into a better state of mind before saying or doing something you might regret. It might be just enough distraction to get your brain back on the right track.

Make a Cool-off Spot

Time-out is for parents, too! I know I certainly needed time out when I was frazzled after watching our 6 year old foster son throw terrible tantrums, day after day. I recently made a cool-off spot in my bedroom. Some parents have said that their child would just follow them in there, but we had a rule that the children were not allowed in our bedroom. If you have to make such a rule, put a lock on your bedroom door, or lock yourself in the bathroom--do whatever it takes to allow yourself time to cool off. (Always make sure the children are safe during this time--another good reason to have a spouse or friend to help watch the children while you learn to cool-off.)

Your cool-off spot is designed to help you feel better, so put things that you like in your spot. My spot is in the corner of my bedroom and has:

·         a comfy chair

·         a book with inspirational sayings

·         chocolates

·         Scriptures

·         signs to remind me to breathe deeply or pray.

Practice waiting before discussing behavior

Your goals are to:

·     Stay calm and respectful, especially when your child is acting out or having a meltdown.

·    Avoid dealing with your child in anger or attempting to control because it will make the interaction seem like punishment.

Going to your cool-off spot can give you time to calm down before addressing your child’s behavior. When you feel that you can accomplish the goals above, then you are ready to address your child’s behavior in a kind and firm manner.

It is okay to have your feelings, but don’t be disrespectful. You could say something like, “I am too angry to discuss this right now. I am going to my cool-off spot for a few minutes.” This is great modeling for your child, too!

Be sure to apologize to your child when you do lose control of yourself and do or say something that was disrespectful or unkind. The connection to your child is vitally important, which we will discuss in a future post.

Other Helpful Thoughts:

Quotes from the Bible:

• Colossians 3:21  Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
• Proverbs 15:1  A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
• James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
• James 1:26  If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
• Proverbs 15:18  A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
• Proverbs 25:28  He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

Sing: “Have Thine Own Way” or “It is Well”

Pray: Holy Spirit, give me the power to stay calm and let God’s love shine through to my family.

Parenting Effectively Series, Introduction

Introduction

This series began as a study on parenting that I was putting together for myself. After reading numerous (14 and counting) parenting books over the past ten years I wanted a way to put it all together in my mind and actually apply what I was reading.

When our first foster children came to us, they had many undesirable behaviors, some that were dangerous and needed to be addressed immediately. On top of that, there were three of them and they fed off of each other’s negative behavior! It seemed like chaos, and although I had been reading positive discipline books for several years it wasn’t second nature yet, so negative parenting came out at times.

There were many things that we did with our foster children that worked and their behavior did improve drastically. However, after dealing with those behaviors day after day with rarely a break I became extremely exhausted and my patience was nearly non-existent. It was then that I resorted to yelling and getting angry, something I never wanted to do as a parent.

Thus, I sat down at my computer and started compiling all of the helpful tools I had gleaned from the parenting books I had read (and am still reading). This series could potentially go on forever, but you’ll be relieved that I made an outline and it has six major points, each of which will be a post in the Parenting Effectively series.

Here are some of the parenting books from which I am getting this information:

·         Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk 

·         Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson 

·         Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, Michael L. Brock, and Mary L. Hughes 

·         The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin (currently reading) 

·         The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine 

I might not agree with the authors on every point, but I would highly recommend reading these books. 

So this is my disclaimer. I am simply writing a series on what I am learning as a parent. I do not claim to have all the answers, but if this series gives you more tools for your parenting toolbox, more power to you!

Before you read this series:

·         I encourage you to keep an open mind and discover what really is best for your child, long-term.  This might involve a paradigm shift, but aren't your children worth it? 

·         I encourage you to pause and think about what kind of adult you would like your child to be someday. What qualities would you want them to have? (capable, healthy self-image, diligent, cooperative, self-controlled, compassionate, emotionally stable, etc.) 

·         Remember that the main points are to have a heart-to-heart connection with your child and to deal with their behavior in a kind and firm way by staying calm and having lots of tools in your parenting toolbox. That's what this series is designed to help us do.

Parenting: A Life-long Lesson!

Today I got a phone call about some more foster kids. Ironically, they are almost the exact ages of our previous sibling group. I'll say more about them if we actually end up getting them as a placement, but for now we are supposed to just be doing respite for the three year old girl and four year old boy for one week. They also have an older sister who is in Kindergarten.

Since it has been just over a year since we began our paperwork and training to get our license for foster parenting, it is time for our annual training. I love the training because my passion is learning more about children and how to help them, especially when it comes to parenting. During this break I've been reading more parenting books and rereading some others. 

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine was very informative and helpful regarding children who have been abused and neglected. It was written for adoptive parents and how to help them attach with their new children. People who work with abused and neglected children come to realize typical parenting is not enough for these children. Imagine if your child had been kidnapped for 3 years and came back to you. You certainly wouldn't parent him the same way you would have had this traumatic event not happened. You would be gentle and aware that he has special needs, would you not?

Here are a few nuggets from the book:

• "Children arrive with a large core of shame installed." 

•  “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly. 

•  “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enable them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”

I hope I get some time to share more ideas from this book with you, but let me move on to a book that was a breakthrough for me: Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. 

For at least 11 years I've been reading all kinds of parenting books and articles, from the strict authoritarian win-at-all-cost (wooden spoons in every room) type to the gentle mothering approach. I wanted not only to know what worked but also what was right according to God. Although I started leaning toward Positive Discipline methods and was seeing them work when I babysat and in the classroom, I had a nagging feeling wondering how it fit in with God's word.

Finally, I read the book by Danny Silk. I wept when I was reminded that God didn't send the Punisher to "keep us in line" when Jesus left the earth. He left us the Comforter (the Holy Spirit), to be our Guide and to gently help us to do what is pleasing to our Father. 

There's no way I can do justice to the book in such a short paragraph, but one point Mr. Silk makes is that in the Old Testament God dealt with His people through external ways (led by a cloud, punished them with plagues, getting defeated by their enemies), and in the New Testament He dealt with believers internally. We have so much  freedom and choose to do what we want, but we choose to do what is right because of our relationship with Jesus. The most important thing to have with our children is a heart connection. When they mess up, they should know that the safest place for them to do that is at home with Mom and Dad. They need to know that their parents aren't going to throw a "tantrum" when they do something wrong. This book has some tools using love and logic that will make you laugh, too! 

Maybe I'm a slow learner, but for some reason Danny Silk's book made it all make sense to me. Now I am rereading Positive Discipline in the Christian Home and it says the same thing, in a way, but now it makes more sense to me. The Positive Discipline books are loaded with tools (at least 52) to use with your kids. I can't say enough good about them!

Baby Girl's Progress in Six Days

The foster mom called back and said she would pick Baby Girl up on Wednesday instead (a week early). I cried for a while and then decided to enjoy the time I had with her. She was certainly one of the sweetest babies I've ever met. :)

The main issue the foster mom was having was her not sleeping through the night. She also wouldn't finish her bottles and had a lot of gas. With her two older siblings (4 and 7) arriving at the same time she was overwhelmed. It was their first placement and I completely understand being overwhelmed adding 3 children all of a sudden like that. They just thought it would be helpful to get the baby out of the house for a while, even though they had only had her for two weeks.

When I got the phone call to do respite for a baby who wouldn't sleep I was delighted and said yes right away. I was determined to help this foster mom out and see if I couldn't get the baby on a schedule and, at the very least, get her sleeping through the night. Well, since I didn't end up having her for even a week I couldn't expect much to happen. Nevertheless, the last two nights she was sleeping 5 hours at a time and only woke up once during the night! The foster mom was so glad!

These are some things I did to help Baby Girl (with good advice from my mom and brother!)

• stopped putting rice cereal in every bottle since it was possibly causing gas
• changed the nipples and/or made the hole bigger for the bottles with rice cereal added
• introduced her to solid food (pears mixed with a small amount of rice cereal)
• bought a Boppy pillow to use while I fed her, saved my arms and she loved the softness of it; fell asleep a couple of times in it

To help her sleep through the night I...

• gave her a bottle right before bed with rice cereal added
• made the pack n play more comfortable
• put warmer clothes on her to sleep in 
• tucked the blanket under her so it would stay put
• put her to bed later (9 or 10pm)

I hope we get another infant soon!

Baby Girl's First Night

Well, all of that nesting really paid off! We got a call to do respite care for an almost 6 month old baby girl. We're supposed to only have her for two weeks. 

She was asleep when she arrived but awoke shortly thereafter, around 7:30pm. She screamed her head off for 2 hours and 15 minutes because she had just gotten shots that day and every time she moved her legs it hurt. The more she cried the more she kicked her legs! I felt so badly for her! We did give her some Acetaminophen to help.

Baby Girl also had a lot of tummy aches from gas, possibly due to her foster mom adding rice cereal to every bottle she took. When I fed her in the middle of the night I didn't add the cereal. 

One funny thing she did was stare at my phone screen (I was texting and the room was dark) and it calmed her down! I thought maybe she had been used to falling asleep staring at a tv screen or something. I was glad she finally calmed down.

Here's how the first night went:

9:05pm 3 oz formula (I tried to get her to drink more to no avail.)

9:45-11:26 sleep

11:40 2 oz formula

11:45-2:05 sleep

2:22 2 oz formula

2:40-2:55 sleep

3:00 2 oz formula

3:05-5:41am sleep

Baby Girl loves Chico, our dog! She "talks" to him and grabs for him. Chico is quite fond and protective of Baby Girl, too. 

I took her to the grocery store this morning and she loved it! She smiled at me the whole time. It has been a very happy morning and she is now working on a two-hour afternoon nap!! I should be napping, too, but I got caught up on the housework. Amazing what messiness a 6 month old can cause ;) but I wouldn't trade a minute of it!

"Nesting"

It's been two months since our first foster children left us. The break has been extremely beneficial and rejuvenating, and I am eager to meet our new ones! During this break I've been trying to get things back on track--spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now that I am feeling a lot better, as opposed to being completely exhausted from caring for needy children and ignoring my own needs, I have begun to work on our house...

It certainly won't be featured in the latest home magazine, but with our love seat and recliner against the wall we have so much more space for the (soon-to-be-here) children to play! Letting them play in the living room makes supervision so much easier.

My computer must be in the living room, too, because I work on Sunday School material and other church related stuff, so if it was back in our bedroom I couldn't supervise the children while I worked. Someday we would love to have a huge living area/family room that would give the children more space to play, but for now rearranging and smaller furniture helps.

craft and Lego table

Besides organizing the toys again (relabeling the bins), I took our kids clothing inventory and put it into a much more accessible chest of drawers rather than the bin they were in. Now I can see exactly what we have and wouldn't really even have to look at the inventory sheet when we get children who arrive with only the clothes on their back.

I love the idea of freezer cooking--cooking much more than we're going to eat in a day and freezing the rest or preparing foods ahead of time. Some people go as far as only cooking once a month. I did that once and it was wonderful! Now, I just make a huge pot of soup and put the rest in the freezer, and now that we bought an upright freezer I have so much more room to store meals!

Today, my mom came over and helped me switch the "baby" or younger child's furniture to the room closer to our bedroom. So, we took the oldest of our three twin mattresses and box spring to a thrift store since we don't plan to take three children any time soon. We will have to buy a crib if we get a baby since they don't allow ones with drop-down sides anymore. We have a pack n play that we can use temporarily, though.

Lessons Learned from Kids

Uno, Dos, and Tres left nearly three weeks ago, four months after coming to our home. They went to a friend of their mom's. After about six months the family could potentially adopt them. Thankfully, the children knew this family and were looking forward to the toys they knew they had at their house. When the caseworker came to pick them up, though, Uno initially said he didn't want to leave.

The last four months were challenging to say the least. I hope we made a difference in their lives during that time. Although they came a long way while they were in our house they still had a lot of issues to work through by the time they left. I hope they find a good therapist for these kids and they go on to live stable, happy lives. Hopefully, much of their pain will be forgotten as they grow older. 

I learned some things from having troubled kids in the house. Some of the most helpful things I've learned include:

• Sharing bedrooms is not always a good idea for children with abuse in their background, regardless of age or gender. (another reason we'll only take two kids from now on)
• We can't handle three kids with as much damage as these kids had at their ages. We already knew we shouldn't start out with three anyway, but that's another story.
• I must have a break to take care of myself or I won't be able to care for the kids.
• How to fix and care for African American hair : )

Josh and I took a two-week break from fostering. Now we are rested and ready for more kids! 

Waiting for another phone call...