Foster Care Timeline

*This used to be a page but I'm posting it here instead since foster parenting is no longer the focus of this website.

Foster Kids We've Had in Our Home
             we are not allowed to use their real names or show face photos

Sibling Group 3: (November 5, 2012-July 3, 2013)
Valor: 7 yr old boy
Levi: 1 yr old boy

Sibling Group 2: (February 29 - June 29, 2012)
Uno: 6 yr old boy
Dos: 4 yr old girl
Tres: 3 yr old girl

Sibling Group 1 (respite*): We didn't have room for all of these children so we took the oldest two. Another time we had only the youngest three.

Boy9, Girl5 (Jan. 25-30, 2012)

Boy3, Girl2, Boy1-took his first steps at our house!  (February 11, 18-20 2012)

*Respite care is simply baby-sitting for another foster parent so they can have a break.

Licensing Process Timeline
where we are on the journey to getting licensed to be foster parents

• 2/24/12 OFFICIALLY LICENSED!!!
• 2/15/12 Fire Inspection
• 2/13/12 Home Health Inspection
• 2/6/12 Home Study-interview us & check out our home
• Moved and House in order
• Fingerprinting
• Drivers License Changed to new address
• TB testing
• Interactive Training Hours 
• 1/16/12   CPR and First Aid Class
• 12/10/11 PAPH, Meds, and TraumaTraining
• 12/03/11 PRIDE Classes
• 10/15/11 Orientation & Review
• 10/11/11 First Paperwork Requirements

Frequently Asked Questions
Why We Want to be Foster Parents

Read all the posts about our foster parenting journey here.


I want to share with you a great podcast I have found about foster parenting (and adoption). I don't know Tim and Wendy personally but have enjoyed listening to them talk about foster parenting.  

Notice of Changes to this Website

MindtheChildren.com will be undergoing some major changes over the next several months, so if you see some inconsistencies, don't be alarmed. One of the major changes will be moving from Blogger to WordPress, but this shouldn't affect much for readers. I'm looking forward to what the future holds and I thank you for your patience. I think the change will be worth the wait, so sit back and enjoy the ride! :-)

Kerry

An Unexpected Peace

Sometimes I wonder why I write or keep a blog. I guess it's because I have learned so much from other people's blogs over the years and I have a shred of hope that what I say can help someone else. Anyway...

As most of you know Josh and me have spent most of our nearly 13 years of marriage hoping and praying for children, with family, friends, and strangers cheering us on. We had all the fertility testing done years ago and they found nothing hindering conception. We have been firm believers that God opens and closes the womb, so we left it in His hands. 

After nearly 11 years of marriage we decided we would open our home to foster children. Then, we were ready to adopt two boys which didn't work out, so we decided we might adopt some older children. I was satisfied with that but the mother in me wanted a baby, too. Josh wasn't interested in spending that many years being a parent but really had a heart for older children who we would only have a few years with.

Recently, after grieving what seemed like another loss involving children, I have come to accept the fact that we will probably never be parents. Yes, I realize it is possible for me (nearly 36) to still get pregnant or for us to choose to adopt, but spending my days hoping feels pointless and even detrimental to my well being. I think the next time someone says I will probably get pregnant I might tell them that someone could also send them a check for a million dollars. Sure, there's a chance, but you might not want to start living that kind of lifestyle until it arrives. Make sense?

Bottom line: I am at peace and grateful that we do not have children. Josh and I have a unique opportunity in life, and we intend to use it for God's glory. 

I still strongly believe that I am destined to work with children in some capacity since I have such a passion for teaching and helping children keep their love for learning. But I have seen myself as a parent and, for several reasons, I am not happy with the parent I was. I seem to be much better when I have a lot of quiet time alone to prepare myself to be in the presence of energetic, needy children. That's when I am able to pour my entire being into loving, caring, and motivating children for an hour or so. Nothing brings me more happiness than to see a child feel important, loved, and confident.

Josh and I have hopes and dreams for the future. Some of which will take a lot of time, manpower, and money, but we are working toward these goals and trying to walk with God along the way. We are excited about the present and the future. We are more in love than ever, if that's possible, and God seems to be opening new doors in our church and in our real estate business.

Update & Grieving the Loss of Children

This is probably going to be a depressing post, but it's my blog and I am allowed to post my feelings. No one is required to read any of it.

Tonight I received a text from the boys' case worker and she once again said she would not be able to come pick up the rest of their belongings. We were supposed to meet tomorrow. Valor and Levi left nearly 6 months ago--without most of their belongings, which we had bought for them. Another unnecessary loss in their precious lives.

We offered to drive to their new foster home several hours away to bring them their belongings. "No, we'll come pick them up." After several phone calls to the CASA and their case worker they still have not come. I just spent a couple of hours writing the boys a letter and watching every single video and photo we have of them. I was also making a DVD of all of them for the boys. In one sense that time was wasted since they have once again delayed coming to get their stuff. On the other hand, it was more time to grieve the loss of the boys.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I have no doubt that saying good-bye to foster children is similar to the experience of the death of a child. Over the past several months I have found myself crying at random times, especially when I went shopping with friends in the children's clothing section. Children who are their age remind me so much of them, especially Levi. We experienced so many of his firsts.

I have no idea whether we will ever see or hear from them again. Supposedly the goal is still reunification with the mom whom they have given a 6 month extension on correcting her behavior and setting up a proper home for them. 

My focus just needs to be those 8 months of good they had in our home. They learned so much and so did we. One thing I learned is that I am not emotionally strong enough to be a foster parent, at least not at this point in my life. We purposely took 6 months off to take time to grieve and revitalize ourselves for whatever children God brings into our lives again.

At this point our goal is to get our new business (real estate investment) up and running to where Josh can be running it full time at home. In the meantime I am taking some baby sitting jobs and trying to prepare myself to be a better mother.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 2

Dealing With Childhood Abuse as an Adult

(continued from Part 1)

I sincerely thought that suppressing my own issues and reading tons of positive parenting books would make me a better parent. I guess it did at times, when I wasn't feeling the rage from the buried pain of my own abuse.

I could have ignored this and told myself that every parent gets angry at times and every parent has yelled at their kid a time or two. Sorry, but I don't want to be that kind of parent. One who makes mistakes? Well, that is inevitable, but if I can't control my own temper how can I expect a small child to control his own behavior? 

I tried hard to change on my own. We took a long break in between the first and second placement of foster children. It did help some, and I must admit, I like the way I parented the next set of foster kids much better. There were times I made mistakes, but thankfully, it was minor and I was able to apologize to our seven year old for being impatient or controlling. I still had a huge dose of impatience with our toddler for pretty much just acting his age, though.

Not liking what I saw in myself, I decided to seek professional help. It took a while to find the right counselor but eventually I found her. She has opened my eyes to things I was so blind to. It has been an amazing experience and I feel as if I am just starting the journey to healing. Perhaps someday I can help birth mothers in some way. Until then, I will deal with my own issues and plead with others to do the same.

I am writing this because I doubt your own childhood was perfect. My hope is to see other parents open their eyes to their faults and to the fact that they just might be recreating their own childhood in their own home. Please don't just assume that the method your parents used is the right one or the one that that seemingly perfect family at church is using.

Don't just read one parenting book. (Children have been killed because of this one mistake of blindly following a book that someone wrote about spanking.) Read as many as possible or at least read articles on several websites. Find ones that seem to go against the methods you are using. I did that many years ago before I even had kids and now I have a huge toolbox with many tools to choose from. I still need wisdom from God and help from a counselor to make them become the initial response to negative behavior though. Parenting is work, but the children are so worth it.

To their credit our agency did ask during the home study whether we had been abused as children and how we dealt with it and how it effects us now. Well, we had never been parents before so we didn't really know until we had kids in our house! I had always had positive experiences in dealing with any children I babysat and taught. I thought I was very patient. :-\  (By the way, I don't mention Josh much in this because he has been great with all of our kids. He is kind and patient all the time with them, but he is also not home all day with them.)

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, Part 1

Recognizing Childhood Abuse

I am thankful for the foster care system because, in spite of all its issues, children are being helped and kept safe in a lot of situations. However, wouldn't it be great if we could stop the abuse and neglect of children before it happens?

How many times have you thought, "How on earth can a mother do something so horrible to an innocent child?" It is horrible and I hate it and at the same time I can't help but picture that birth mother and what her childhood must have been like. More often than not the pain that she has inflicted on her children mirrors the pain in her own childhood. 

In no way does this make it right or less horrific. But I think it should make more parents think about themselves and the way they parent. (I know it does me.) Surely a parent who brings a sweet newborn into the world never imagines themselves hurting that child to the point of breaking their bones, yet it happens so often. I know drugs (including alcohol) plays a major part and causes people to not even be in their right mind. But wouldn't you think that most abuse or neglect started out as occasional anger, desperation, or being overwhelmed? I know there are exceptions to this, believe me. I'm enraged about it just as much as you are!

I am not making an excuse for their behavior. I am trying to analyze it and see if you or I can do anything to prevent it. Call me crazy, but I dream of a place where birth mothers and their children can be helped. Parenting classes, therapy, help in finding a job...hmm...this sounds familiar...oh wait! CPS does this already and yet so many birth parents do the same harmful things over and over. People just need serious help and, honestly, they have to want it. You would think that the well being of their children would be enough motivation. (sigh)

A Painful Realization

When we took in our first precious foster children we immediately saw the effects of their abuse. They acted out the things that happened to them on baby dolls and each other. It was so shocking and sad. I thought I had buried my own abuse long ago, but terrifyingly enough, it brought flashbacks that I did not want to relive.

After spending four months trying to parent three traumatized children I was exhausted in every way imaginable. The thing that scared me the most was the anger I felt when things were out of control. The six year old had several tantrums a day so it felt chaotic quite often. Because of my own ignored abuse my defense mechanisms were up and instead of picking a tool from positive discipline I grabbed the one I was most familiar with. I hated myself for yelling and getting angry, and it scared me.

...to be continued

Read Part 2

The Story of Valor and Levi: Conclusion

Part 7  July 2013

It has taken a while for me to be able to write this without tears. I might be in the denial stage of grief, I don't know.

July 3rd Valor and Levi were moved to another foster home with their sisters closer to their local CPS office. Nice and convenient for CPS, never mind the fact that the boys were content and very attached to their current foster family. 

All we can hope now is that they will find love and safety wherever they are.

Other Parts to The Story of Valor and Levi

Part 1 Back to the Beginning

Part 2 Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 3 The Honeymoon Ends

Part 4 Adoption?

Part 5 Anxiously Waiting
Part 6 Hope Delayed