Parenting Effectively Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

This is a series I began writing for myself and later decided to share it here. 

Introduction

Control Your Own Behavior

How can we expect our children to change their behavior when we can’t control our own behavior? If you have ever yelled at your child or tried to modify his behavior while you are angry, then you know how difficult it is to stay calm when your child is out of control. But if you want your child to change, then you might remind yourself how great of a challenge changing behavior can be, for people of all ages.

The Dangers of Anger

Being angry and especially punishing a child while angry will bring the long-term result of one of the following:

1.      Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2.      Rebellion: “I’ll do just the opposite to prove that they can’t make me do it their way.”
3.      Revenge: “They may be winning now, but I’ll get even with them!”
4.      Retreat: “I won’t get caught next time” (sneakiness) or “I am a bad person” (low self-esteem).
(Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson)

If you frequently find yourself out of control and angry, consider asking a friend to either help with your children or to watch them for a while, while you learn to control your anger. When you do get angry, go to another room to cool off. If you cannot leave the scene breathe deeply and pray for calmness!

When we had three foster children with very challenging behaviors I would get angry and yell. Unfortunately, although I knew I was supposed to go to another room to cool off, during that moment I would forget there was such a thing as cooling off! My brain was in fight/flight mode.

One solution to this problem is to have family members give you a signal (touch their nose, point to your cool off spot) to remind you to get back into a better state of mind before saying or doing something you might regret. It might be just enough distraction to get your brain back on the right track.

Make a Cool-off Spot

Time-out is for parents, too! I know I certainly needed time out when I was frazzled after watching our 6 year old foster son throw terrible tantrums, day after day. I recently made a cool-off spot in my bedroom. Some parents have said that their child would just follow them in there, but we had a rule that the children were not allowed in our bedroom. If you have to make such a rule, put a lock on your bedroom door, or lock yourself in the bathroom--do whatever it takes to allow yourself time to cool off. (Always make sure the children are safe during this time--another good reason to have a spouse or friend to help watch the children while you learn to cool-off.)

Your cool-off spot is designed to help you feel better, so put things that you like in your spot. My spot is in the corner of my bedroom and has:

·         a comfy chair

·         a book with inspirational sayings

·         chocolates

·         Scriptures

·         signs to remind me to breathe deeply or pray.

Practice waiting before discussing behavior

Your goals are to:

·     Stay calm and respectful, especially when your child is acting out or having a meltdown.

·    Avoid dealing with your child in anger or attempting to control because it will make the interaction seem like punishment.

Going to your cool-off spot can give you time to calm down before addressing your child’s behavior. When you feel that you can accomplish the goals above, then you are ready to address your child’s behavior in a kind and firm manner.

It is okay to have your feelings, but don’t be disrespectful. You could say something like, “I am too angry to discuss this right now. I am going to my cool-off spot for a few minutes.” This is great modeling for your child, too!

Be sure to apologize to your child when you do lose control of yourself and do or say something that was disrespectful or unkind. The connection to your child is vitally important, which we will discuss in a future post.

Other Helpful Thoughts:

Quotes from the Bible:

• Colossians 3:21  Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
• Proverbs 15:1  A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
• James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
• James 1:26  If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
• Proverbs 15:18  A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
• Proverbs 25:28  He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

Sing: “Have Thine Own Way” or “It is Well”

Pray: Holy Spirit, give me the power to stay calm and let God’s love shine through to my family.

Parenting Effectively Series, Introduction

Introduction

This series began as a study on parenting that I was putting together for myself. After reading numerous (14 and counting) parenting books over the past ten years I wanted a way to put it all together in my mind and actually apply what I was reading.

When our first foster children came to us, they had many undesirable behaviors, some that were dangerous and needed to be addressed immediately. On top of that, there were three of them and they fed off of each other’s negative behavior! It seemed like chaos, and although I had been reading positive discipline books for several years it wasn’t second nature yet, so negative parenting came out at times.

There were many things that we did with our foster children that worked and their behavior did improve drastically. However, after dealing with those behaviors day after day with rarely a break I became extremely exhausted and my patience was nearly non-existent. It was then that I resorted to yelling and getting angry, something I never wanted to do as a parent.

Thus, I sat down at my computer and started compiling all of the helpful tools I had gleaned from the parenting books I had read (and am still reading). This series could potentially go on forever, but you’ll be relieved that I made an outline and it has six major points, each of which will be a post in the Parenting Effectively series.

Here are some of the parenting books from which I am getting this information:

·         Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk 

·         Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson 

·         Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, Michael L. Brock, and Mary L. Hughes 

·         The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin (currently reading) 

·         The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine 

I might not agree with the authors on every point, but I would highly recommend reading these books. 

So this is my disclaimer. I am simply writing a series on what I am learning as a parent. I do not claim to have all the answers, but if this series gives you more tools for your parenting toolbox, more power to you!

Before you read this series:

·         I encourage you to keep an open mind and discover what really is best for your child, long-term.  This might involve a paradigm shift, but aren't your children worth it? 

·         I encourage you to pause and think about what kind of adult you would like your child to be someday. What qualities would you want them to have? (capable, healthy self-image, diligent, cooperative, self-controlled, compassionate, emotionally stable, etc.) 

·         Remember that the main points are to have a heart-to-heart connection with your child and to deal with their behavior in a kind and firm way by staying calm and having lots of tools in your parenting toolbox. That's what this series is designed to help us do.

Parenting: A Life-long Lesson!

Today I got a phone call about some more foster kids. Ironically, they are almost the exact ages of our previous sibling group. I'll say more about them if we actually end up getting them as a placement, but for now we are supposed to just be doing respite for the three year old girl and four year old boy for one week. They also have an older sister who is in Kindergarten.

Since it has been just over a year since we began our paperwork and training to get our license for foster parenting, it is time for our annual training. I love the training because my passion is learning more about children and how to help them, especially when it comes to parenting. During this break I've been reading more parenting books and rereading some others. 

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine was very informative and helpful regarding children who have been abused and neglected. It was written for adoptive parents and how to help them attach with their new children. People who work with abused and neglected children come to realize typical parenting is not enough for these children. Imagine if your child had been kidnapped for 3 years and came back to you. You certainly wouldn't parent him the same way you would have had this traumatic event not happened. You would be gentle and aware that he has special needs, would you not?

Here are a few nuggets from the book:

• "Children arrive with a large core of shame installed." 

•  “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly. 

•  “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enable them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”

I hope I get some time to share more ideas from this book with you, but let me move on to a book that was a breakthrough for me: Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. 

For at least 11 years I've been reading all kinds of parenting books and articles, from the strict authoritarian win-at-all-cost (wooden spoons in every room) type to the gentle mothering approach. I wanted not only to know what worked but also what was right according to God. Although I started leaning toward Positive Discipline methods and was seeing them work when I babysat and in the classroom, I had a nagging feeling wondering how it fit in with God's word.

Finally, I read the book by Danny Silk. I wept when I was reminded that God didn't send the Punisher to "keep us in line" when Jesus left the earth. He left us the Comforter (the Holy Spirit), to be our Guide and to gently help us to do what is pleasing to our Father. 

There's no way I can do justice to the book in such a short paragraph, but one point Mr. Silk makes is that in the Old Testament God dealt with His people through external ways (led by a cloud, punished them with plagues, getting defeated by their enemies), and in the New Testament He dealt with believers internally. We have so much  freedom and choose to do what we want, but we choose to do what is right because of our relationship with Jesus. The most important thing to have with our children is a heart connection. When they mess up, they should know that the safest place for them to do that is at home with Mom and Dad. They need to know that their parents aren't going to throw a "tantrum" when they do something wrong. This book has some tools using love and logic that will make you laugh, too! 

Maybe I'm a slow learner, but for some reason Danny Silk's book made it all make sense to me. Now I am rereading Positive Discipline in the Christian Home and it says the same thing, in a way, but now it makes more sense to me. The Positive Discipline books are loaded with tools (at least 52) to use with your kids. I can't say enough good about them!