Today I got a phone call about some more foster kids. Ironically, they are almost the exact ages of our previous sibling group. I'll say more about them if we actually end up getting them as a placement, but for now we are supposed to just be doing respite for the three year old girl and four year old boy for one week. They also have an older sister who is in Kindergarten.
Since it has been just over a year since we began our paperwork and training to get our license for foster parenting, it is time for our annual training. I love the training because my passion is learning more about children and how to help them, especially when it comes to parenting. During this break I've been reading more parenting books and rereading some others.
The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine was very informative and helpful regarding children who have been abused and neglected. It was written for adoptive parents and how to help them attach with their new children. People who work with abused and neglected children come to realize typical parenting is not enough for these children. Imagine if your child had been kidnapped for 3 years and came back to you. You certainly wouldn't parent him the same way you would have had this traumatic event not happened. You would be gentle and aware that he has special needs, would you not?
Here are a few nuggets from the book:
- "Children arrive with a large core of shame installed."
- “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly.
- “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enable them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”
I hope I get some time to share more ideas from this book with you, but let me move on to a book that was a breakthrough for me: Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk.
For at least 11 years I've been reading all kinds of parenting books and articles, from the strict authoritarian win-at-all-cost (wooden spoons in every room) type to the gentle mothering approach. I wanted not only to know what worked but also what was right according to God. Although I started leaning toward Positive Discipline methods and was seeing them work when I babysat and in the classroom, I had a nagging feeling wondering how it fit in with God's word.
Finally, I read the book by Danny Silk. I wept when I was reminded that God didn't send the Punisher to "keep us in line" when Jesus left the earth. He left us the Comforter (the Holy Spirit), to be our Guide and to gently help us to do what is pleasing to our Father.
There's no way I can do justice to the book in such a short paragraph, but one point Mr. Silk makes is that in the Old Testament God dealt with His people through external ways (led by a cloud, punished them with plagues, getting defeated by their enemies), and in the New Testament He dealt with believers internally. We have so much freedom and choose to do what we want, but we choose to do what is right because of our relationship with Jesus. The most important thing to have with our children is a heart connection. When they mess up, they should know that the safest place for them to do that is at home with Mom and Dad. They need to know that their parents aren't going to throw a "tantrum" when they do something wrong. This book has some tools using love and logic that will make you laugh, too!
Maybe I'm a slow learner, but for some reason Danny Silk's book made it all make sense to me. Now I am rereading Positive Discipline in the Christian Home and it says the same thing, in a way, but now it makes more sense to me. The Positive Discipline books are loaded with tools (at least 52) to use with your kids. I can't say enough good about them!
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