Parenting Effectively Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

This is a series I began writing for myself and later decided to share it here. 

Introduction

Control Your Own Behavior

How can we expect our children to change their behavior when we can’t control our own behavior? If you have ever yelled at your child or tried to modify his behavior while you are angry, then you know how difficult it is to stay calm when your child is out of control. But if you want your child to change, then you might remind yourself how great of a challenge changing behavior can be, for people of all ages.

The Dangers of Anger

Being angry and especially punishing a child while angry will bring the long-term result of one of the following:

1.      Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2.      Rebellion: “I’ll do just the opposite to prove that they can’t make me do it their way.”
3.      Revenge: “They may be winning now, but I’ll get even with them!”
4.      Retreat: “I won’t get caught next time” (sneakiness) or “I am a bad person” (low self-esteem).
(Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson)

If you frequently find yourself out of control and angry, consider asking a friend to either help with your children or to watch them for a while, while you learn to control your anger. When you do get angry, go to another room to cool off. If you cannot leave the scene breathe deeply and pray for calmness!

When we had three foster children with very challenging behaviors I would get angry and yell. Unfortunately, although I knew I was supposed to go to another room to cool off, during that moment I would forget there was such a thing as cooling off! My brain was in fight/flight mode.

One solution to this problem is to have family members give you a signal (touch their nose, point to your cool off spot) to remind you to get back into a better state of mind before saying or doing something you might regret. It might be just enough distraction to get your brain back on the right track.

Make a Cool-off Spot

Time-out is for parents, too! I know I certainly needed time out when I was frazzled after watching our 6 year old foster son throw terrible tantrums, day after day. I recently made a cool-off spot in my bedroom. Some parents have said that their child would just follow them in there, but we had a rule that the children were not allowed in our bedroom. If you have to make such a rule, put a lock on your bedroom door, or lock yourself in the bathroom--do whatever it takes to allow yourself time to cool off. (Always make sure the children are safe during this time--another good reason to have a spouse or friend to help watch the children while you learn to cool-off.)

Your cool-off spot is designed to help you feel better, so put things that you like in your spot. My spot is in the corner of my bedroom and has:

·         a comfy chair

·         a book with inspirational sayings

·         chocolates

·         Scriptures

·         signs to remind me to breathe deeply or pray.

Practice waiting before discussing behavior

Your goals are to:

·     Stay calm and respectful, especially when your child is acting out or having a meltdown.

·    Avoid dealing with your child in anger or attempting to control because it will make the interaction seem like punishment.

Going to your cool-off spot can give you time to calm down before addressing your child’s behavior. When you feel that you can accomplish the goals above, then you are ready to address your child’s behavior in a kind and firm manner.

It is okay to have your feelings, but don’t be disrespectful. You could say something like, “I am too angry to discuss this right now. I am going to my cool-off spot for a few minutes.” This is great modeling for your child, too!

Be sure to apologize to your child when you do lose control of yourself and do or say something that was disrespectful or unkind. The connection to your child is vitally important, which we will discuss in a future post.

Other Helpful Thoughts:

Quotes from the Bible:

• Colossians 3:21  Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
• Proverbs 15:1  A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
• James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
• James 1:26  If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
• Proverbs 15:18  A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
• Proverbs 25:28  He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

Sing: “Have Thine Own Way” or “It is Well”

Pray: Holy Spirit, give me the power to stay calm and let God’s love shine through to my family.