Two Boys, Our Second Placement

We've had two boys, 1 and 7 years old, for nearly a month now. Of course, we don't know how long we will have them, which seems to be the most popular question! The general time frame in foster care is six months to a year, but it could be shorter or longer, depending on if an approved relative decides they want them or they come up for adoption. Boy7 and Boy1 also have two half sisters living in another foster home across town. Thankfully, we can get together often!

Boy7 making cupcakes for his brother's 1st birthday!

Boy7

Boy7 is sweet and has a great attitude most of the time. He is also very helpful. His teacher loves him and he enjoys going to school. It's obvious he is missing some of the basics, such as some letter sounds and easy sight words and also simple math. However, he is progressing very well and often reads for an hour at a time! His math is also coming along. It's amazing what a little help and encouragement at home can do.

Boy7 also loves Josh very much. He misses him so much when he goes to work, even if he is just gone overnight! His biological dad has never even seen his son, so Boy7 says, "I don't have a daddy." Josh is teaching him all kinds of things, including chess. I call Josh a "walking encyclopedia" so he is full of information for a curious little boy. And, oh, does Boy7 ever have the questions! He is also learning a ton of vocabulary having come from a bilingual home. (His previous school paperwork actually said there was no English spoken in the home, so who knows?)

Boy1's 1st Birthday!

Boy1

I was hoping for a baby and thankfully Boy1 is still babyish. In fact, he just turned one last week!  he is crawling around and pulling up, but not yet walking. Apparently, he was still on heated formula bottles and was used to being put in bed with one. He refuses to drink from a sippy cup, so I decided to just take one step at a time. After all, he just experienced a huge change in his life. I believe he previously went to daycare, too.

So, I transitioned him to whole milk but still heated and I feed him a bottle before each nap/bedtime. He doesn't really like to rock much, and he does well most of the time just being put into his crib. He sleeps through the night other than waking up from a bad dream, perhaps. He soon goes back to sleep on his own.

He is learning new words and even some baby signs that I'm wondering if he might have learned at the daycare.

Parenting Effectively Part 5: How to Get and Keep Your Child's Heart

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Part 4: Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

How to Get and Keep Your Child's Heart

By far, this is the most important part of parenting. If you don't have a heart-to-heart connection with your child, they will not accept your guidance. You might be able to control them for a time when they are with you, but out of your sight there will be nothing to guide them. Books have been written on the importance of attachment with a child's parents from birth. It is greatly detrimental to a child for the parent(s) to fail to form an attachment to her child, especially in the first year of life. This has been proven by the vast number of children raised in orphanages who were left in a crib for hours with no one holding them. Thankfully, in America and other countries (I assume), we have foster homes instead of orphanages so children can form healthy attachments to adult caregivers. By the way, perhaps this will help some of you understand why we purposely get attached to the children in our home! It is for their emotional and mental health. It will help them learn to form other healthy attachments in the future.

Guidance Instead of Control

No one likes to be controlled by another person, and, if you think about it, should anyone be controlled by another? Our relationships should be respectful to one another. If you're a Christian, you should be guided by the Holy Spirit, but He doesn't even control us. We have the freedom to make our own choices. If you train your child by controlling him will he learn to control himself (or to be gently led by the Holy Spirit)? Remember the long-term effect you want to have on your child. You probably want him to eventually make good choices on his own.

The key to guiding instead of controlling is having that attachment or heart-to-heart connection with your child. How do you make friendships or emotional connections to anyone, including adults? Mutual respect, kindness, taking an interest in what the other person enjoys, spending time with each other. You are still the parent and must have consistent boundaries, which are held in place kindly and firmly, and all of this can be done with respect for yourself and the child. It might be a paradigm shift, a release of control that you don't want to give up, but it might be necessary for the sake of your family.

I love the personal illustrations of Danny Silk in Loving Our Kids on Purpose. Since he had that emotional connection with his children, when it came to them making difficult choices as teenagers, they often chose the path that would not hurt their parents' heart--out of love! We must give our children freedom through choices, little by little, as they grow, so that one day their choices can be governed by love for God, others, and themselves.

Special Time with Your Child

One way to form healthy attachments to your children is to give them lots of positive, personal attention. Children thrive on this! Our little Boy7 seems to be constantly trying to get my attention while I am caring for his baby brother. He even crawls on the floor, talks like a baby, and puts a bib on! This is an unusual example, but a very real one. Boy7 desperately needs attention since he has been caring for his 3 younger siblings alone at his bio home. All children need and love attention, though. It's easy  for a stay-at-home-parent to think you're giving attention to the children all day long, but caring for their basic needs is not the same.

I like Jane Nelson's suggestion (see Positive Discipline Tool Card above) for the amount of special time needed for each child. It is at least a start that can be adjusted to meet your child's needs. In today's busy world, we all need a little prompting to actually sit down and have face-to-face time with our children. What you do during that time can be decided by you and the child together. Scheduling the time is a must if you are a busy parent! (and who isn't, right?)

What can you do today to cultivate a heart-to-heart connection with your child? If it is already damaged you might want to start with a sincere apology for disrespecting her and/or not spending enough time together. Search your own heart first, and don't walk into the room with a list of things he's doing wrong. Be the mature adult in the relationship and fix yourself first.

This concludes the series on Parenting Effectively. I had other points in the outline, but I think they will fit more appropriately in a separate series on Age-Appropriate Discipline. I'll include the things that actually worked with our previous foster children.

I hope and pray that I can implement these parenting methods in my own home. That was the original purpose of this series. I feel like there is so much more that I could say and that I only touched the surface of these subjects. Let us all keep learning and striving to be the best parents we can be! Our kids are worth it!

I'd love to hear your comments or suggestions!

Parenting Effectively Part 4: Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

To punish or not to punish my child? What a controversial subject in the parenting world! Some say it worked for their parents, Why not use it on my own kids, or Doesn't the Bible say sin must be punished? Whether or not you choose to punish your child isn't necessarily the issue. However, you really should take a look at the proper way to punish and the long-term effects of punishment. Remember the kind of person you want your child to be someday? Ask yourself if punishment is going to help them reach that goal. 

The Effects of Punishment

As I mentioned in Part 1 of this series, punishment usually results in Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge, or Retreat. Punishment might stop the behavior for the moment, but punishment teaches what not to do, not what to do. Practicing the positive opposite is a much better solution to changing a child's behavior.

"Using physical power, shouting, and other forceful expressions of authority may oblige a child to comply, but only until the child can be away from the parent's immediate control. Also, the child will become harsh or more harsh with peers, and more 'out of control' with other authority figures like teachers and coaches. The harder you press down on the child, the more likely she is to slip from your grasp--your parental influence, or, if you prefer, your 'control'.

 "...children have an amazing capacity to adapt to punishment. Typically, a parent has to increase the severity and frequency of a punishment to achieve even the immediate effect it achieved the first time.

"This escape and avoidance, often inspired by strong emotional reactions, is another important side effect. Children tend to avoid interacting with a punishing agent -- parents, teachers, whoever it might be -- and to minimize the time they are obliged to spend with him or her. This is not good for your relationship to your child, especially if you depend heavily on punishment, and it will undermine even a well-designed program for changing behavior." (Alan E. Kazdin)

Punishment also affects the parent's behavior. You're likely to punish more, and more harshly, over time. This is obviously treading on dangerous ground. Then, you are back to square one, learning to control your own behavior. I can't emphasize this enough. Do you know how many children are in foster care for abuse? If you can't control yourself, please find another tool for parenting, other than punishment!

How to Punish (if you choose to)

If you are a Christian and still feel like you need to punish your child, I strongly encourage you to read Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. Mr. Silk made what the Bible says about punishment very clear. And, by the way, yes, sin must be punished but Jesus already took that punishment for us on the cross! I explained a little further on this subject here.

1. Punishment should be combined with a reinforcement program that enforces the positive behavior.
2. Punishment should be mild and brief.
3. Do not punish when you are angry. 
4. Do not use as a punishment task any activity that you wish to foster. (Writing I will not talk in class 100 times discourages writing, not talking!) 
5. The ratio of praise for the positive opposite behavior to punishment for the unwanted behavior should be very one-sided, like 5 to 1. 
6. If you are punishing the same behavior a few times a day for more than one day, stop and change the program. 

(adapted from The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin) 

Punishment might be a tool in your parenting toolbox, but don't let it be your only one!

*I should add the fact that, as foster parents, we are not allowed to spank our foster kids, which is what led me to finding alternatives that work. I also think it would be very counterproductive to spank a child who has been abused.

Parenting Effectively Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

The Reason Behind the Behavior

In Part 2 we learned one way to stop unwanted behavior in a child through behavior modification. Sometimes, though, it helps to know the reason behind the behavior. Ultimately, we want to see our children change from the inside out, from a desire to do what is right--respectful to others and herself. Look back at the list you made describing the kind of person you want your child to be. While you might use rewards for a short time while helping him develop a good habit, you certainly don't want him to live his life thinking he needs a pat on the back or some kind of reimbursement for everything he does.

Mistaken Goals of Children

According to Adlerian Psychology and Positive Discipline a child's primary goal is to achieve belonging and significance. They need to feel emotionally connected to their family and have sufficient positive attention. Children want to feel capable and they want to contribute in meaningful ways. They want to have personal power, and that is why we start giving choices at a very young age. If you don't give them positive attention and control over some things in their lives, they will get those things through what we call misbehavior! It's our job to show them how to belong and feel significant.

I wrote about Annoying Behavior and the Reason Behind it here and here. Here is a handy chart to download and keep around, made by Jane Nelson. According to her, there are four mistaken goals of behavior:

1. Attention (I belong only when I have your attention or special service.)
2. Power (I belong only when I’m winning, or at least when I don’t let you win.)
3. Revenge (It hurts that I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt back.)
4. Assumed inadequacy (I give up.  It is impossible to belong.)

On the Mistaken Goal Chart you will see certain clues that show you the reason behind the child's behavior.

Clue Number 1: The adult’s feeling/reaction to the misbehavior.
Clue Number 2: The child’s response when you tell him or her to stop the misbehavior.

Finally, the chart gives the parent/teacher proactive and empowering responses to use with the child. For more information on using this chart read this post on the Positive Discipline blog.

If you are dealing with traumatized, abused, or neglected children, consider reading The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. (If you have found other books for helping children with these special needs, please leave a comment and share the information with us!) There can be numerous reasons for misbehavior when a child has experienced any of these three things. These children need a special kind of parenting, and the parent must remember:

• “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enabled them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”
• “…Admire the strength that allowed this little child to survive adversity and have compassion for the ongoing struggles he faces.”
• “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly.”
• They think, “If I had value, people would have loved me and wouldn't have hurt or abandoned me.” 

No matter what kind of child you are dealing with, keep in mind that they all need a lot of positive attention. Every child likes to be included in what you are doing. If you can't include him, be sure to set aside special time for him later. See the Mistaken Goal Chart for more ideas on what to do for specific behavior issues. Mine is hanging on my wall along with an additional "What to do if..." chart!

Parenting Effectively Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts in the series:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

If you are a parent having behavior problems with your child, then you most likely want a solution that works…now! Nothing is more annoying than your child doing the opposite of what you want her to do. While I believe the focus of our parenting should be on relationship building and problem-solving skills, there are times when we need some immediate improvement in behavior. This was the case with our three foster children, who were constantly trying to choke and hit each other!

So, if you’re looking for something that has been proven to work, you might want to check out The Kazdin Method. The book comes with a helpful DVD to show you exactly what to do and how to do it. After hearing about it working with some children adopted from foster care, I checked it out at our local library. I’ll just give you a glimpse of his method here but he does encourage parents that the details of the system are very important. It’s not the typical reward chart that didn't work for you in the past.

Did you know that any kind of attention can encourage your child to repeat behavior, including punishment?  When our foster children purposely peed on our brand new carpet, I was furious! They got a negative reaction out of me, but it was still attention—something children crave. Did they repeat the behavior? Yes, and often!

The Positive Opposite

Instead of reacting to the negative behavior you need to first find the positive opposite of that behavior. If the child is throwing his clothes all over the floor of his bedroom, the positive opposite would be him placing his clothes in his dresser or closet. If she keeps getting out of bed again and again for a drink of water to stretch out bedtime, the positive opposite would be her going to bed, getting up no more than once for a drink or bathroom, and remaining in her room.

Specific Praise

According to science, praise is one of the most reliable tools in changing a child’s behavior, but be aware, this does not merely mean saying, “Good job” 100 times a day. Praise must have these attributes:

·         Be very enthusiastic (especially with younger children) 

·         Be specific (“Wow, you got to the breakfast table right when you were told. Way to go!”) 

·         Include touch (a pat on the head or shoulders, high five) 

·         Contingent (Did they do at least part of the desired behavior? Praise the small steps, too!) 

·         Immediate (as soon as they do the desired behavior) 

·         Frequent

Making a Point Chart

A point chart is a day-by-day way of keeping track of and displaying the positive behaviors your child has accomplished and the rewards he or she can earn for them. The book gives detailed instructions for the number of points to give and a list of age-appropriate rewards for children. Be sure to make it possible for the child to earn small rewards often (every day, at least at first). Also, it is important to break the desired behavior into small, doable steps.  Even if you think your child should be able to sit and do an hour of homework, start out with 10 minutes at a time, if he usually refuses to do any. You may also want to have an additional incentive chart that totals all the points earned (spent or not spent) to get a more expensive reward—something the child has been asking for.

·         Praise is the main objective, rewards are secondary. 

·         Don’t wait for perfection to praise or give points. 

·         Break the behavior into small steps.  “Yay! You’re walking to your bedroom right when I told you to go to bed!” 

·         Be careful not to punish with your words. Never add a “but” to your statement of praise. If they don’t do the desired behavior, calmly say, “No point this time. You can try again later.”

Practicing the Good Behavior

When you and your child are calm and in a good mood he can practice doing the positive opposite for points. If you’re breaking the terrible tantrum into doable parts, have him pretend to throw a tantrum without hitting anyone. Praise him, using the criteria above, and give him a point (or two, whatever your scale is) for not hitting. Eventually, you can move on to not throwing things during a tantrum, and finally staying calm when something usually triggers a tantrum. Practice every day and don’t be stingy with praise or points!

Remember, this method is designed to be used temporarily. The goal is to create a habit of positive behavior. This is just one tool for parenting your parenting toolbox and it shouldn't be used excessively.

The details are lined out in this book: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E.Kazdin