Parenting Effectively Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

The Reason Behind the Behavior

In Part 2 we learned one way to stop unwanted behavior in a child through behavior modification. Sometimes, though, it helps to know the reason behind the behavior. Ultimately, we want to see our children change from the inside out, from a desire to do what is right--respectful to others and herself. Look back at the list you made describing the kind of person you want your child to be. While you might use rewards for a short time while helping him develop a good habit, you certainly don't want him to live his life thinking he needs a pat on the back or some kind of reimbursement for everything he does.

Mistaken Goals of Children

According to Adlerian Psychology and Positive Discipline a child's primary goal is to achieve belonging and significance. They need to feel emotionally connected to their family and have sufficient positive attention. Children want to feel capable and they want to contribute in meaningful ways. They want to have personal power, and that is why we start giving choices at a very young age. If you don't give them positive attention and control over some things in their lives, they will get those things through what we call misbehavior! It's our job to show them how to belong and feel significant.

I wrote about Annoying Behavior and the Reason Behind it here and here. Here is a handy chart to download and keep around, made by Jane Nelson. According to her, there are four mistaken goals of behavior:

1. Attention (I belong only when I have your attention or special service.)
2. Power (I belong only when I’m winning, or at least when I don’t let you win.)
3. Revenge (It hurts that I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt back.)
4. Assumed inadequacy (I give up.  It is impossible to belong.)

On the Mistaken Goal Chart you will see certain clues that show you the reason behind the child's behavior.

Clue Number 1: The adult’s feeling/reaction to the misbehavior.
Clue Number 2: The child’s response when you tell him or her to stop the misbehavior.

Finally, the chart gives the parent/teacher proactive and empowering responses to use with the child. For more information on using this chart read this post on the Positive Discipline blog.

If you are dealing with traumatized, abused, or neglected children, consider reading The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. (If you have found other books for helping children with these special needs, please leave a comment and share the information with us!) There can be numerous reasons for misbehavior when a child has experienced any of these three things. These children need a special kind of parenting, and the parent must remember:

• “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enabled them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”
• “…Admire the strength that allowed this little child to survive adversity and have compassion for the ongoing struggles he faces.”
• “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly.”
• They think, “If I had value, people would have loved me and wouldn't have hurt or abandoned me.” 

No matter what kind of child you are dealing with, keep in mind that they all need a lot of positive attention. Every child likes to be included in what you are doing. If you can't include him, be sure to set aside special time for him later. See the Mistaken Goal Chart for more ideas on what to do for specific behavior issues. Mine is hanging on my wall along with an additional "What to do if..." chart!