Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:
Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior
Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused
To punish or not to punish my child? What a controversial subject in the parenting world! Some say it worked for their parents, Why not use it on my own kids, or Doesn't the Bible say sin must be punished? Whether or not you choose to punish your child isn't necessarily the issue. However, you really should take a look at the proper way to punish and the long-term effects of punishment. Remember the kind of person you want your child to be someday? Ask yourself if punishment is going to help them reach that goal.
The Effects of Punishment
As I mentioned in Part 1 of this series, punishment usually results in Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge, or Retreat. Punishment might stop the behavior for the moment, but punishment teaches what not to do, not what to do. Practicing the positive opposite is a much better solution to changing a child's behavior.
"Using physical power, shouting, and other forceful expressions of authority may oblige a child to comply, but only until the child can be away from the parent's immediate control. Also, the child will become harsh or more harsh with peers, and more 'out of control' with other authority figures like teachers and coaches. The harder you press down on the child, the more likely she is to slip from your grasp--your parental influence, or, if you prefer, your 'control'.
"...children have an amazing capacity to adapt to punishment. Typically, a parent has to increase the severity and frequency of a punishment to achieve even the immediate effect it achieved the first time.
"This escape and avoidance, often inspired by strong emotional reactions, is another important side effect. Children tend to avoid interacting with a punishing agent -- parents, teachers, whoever it might be -- and to minimize the time they are obliged to spend with him or her. This is not good for your relationship to your child, especially if you depend heavily on punishment, and it will undermine even a well-designed program for changing behavior." (Alan E. Kazdin)
Punishment also affects the parent's behavior. You're likely to punish more, and more harshly, over time. This is obviously treading on dangerous ground. Then, you are back to square one, learning to control your own behavior. I can't emphasize this enough. Do you know how many children are in foster care for abuse? If you can't control yourself, please find another tool for parenting, other than punishment!
How to Punish (if you choose to)
If you are a Christian and still feel like you need to punish your child, I strongly encourage you to read Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. Mr. Silk made what the Bible says about punishment very clear. And, by the way, yes, sin must be punished but Jesus already took that punishment for us on the cross! I explained a little further on this subject here.
- Punishment should be combined with a reinforcement program that enforces the positive behavior.
- Punishment should be mild and brief.
- Do not punish when you are angry.
- Do not use as a punishment task any activity that you wish to foster. (Writing I will not talk in class 100 times discourages writing, not talking!)
- The ratio of praise for the positive opposite behavior to punishment for the unwanted behavior should be very one-sided, like 5 to 1.
- If you are punishing the same behavior a few times a day for more than one day, stop and change the program.
(adapted from The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin)
*I should add the fact that, as foster parents, we are not allowed to spank our foster kids, which is what led me to finding alternatives that work. I also think it would be very counterproductive to spank a child who has been abused.
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