Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Story of Valor and Levi: Creating an Unstoppable Bond

Part 2 November/December 2012

Please, remember I am just one foster parent with my own experiences. We have only had two placements, and I'm simply sharing my thoughts, perceptions, and feelings about our cases. These posts are not meant to give guidance or advice to anyone. I find it comforting, however, when reading other foster parent blogs to know there is someone out there experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. That is the purpose of this blog.

Throughout those first two months we began to fall in love with these sweet boys who came to us. We had no idea about their future since usually the first goal of CPS is to reunite the children with their birth family. It pretty much all depended on the mom and if she would make the necessary changes to herself and their home environment.

Bonding with foster children is almost inevitable. The children are desperate for someone to love and care for them, so they cannot get enough attention and physical touch from us! Valor fell flat in love with Josh the moment he met him. He had no other daddy in the picture to divide his love with so he jumped in with both feet. 

It was different with me because Valor had a strong bond with his birth mother. He loved her dearly and seemed very confused as to why he was taken away from her. (Children don't seem to realize that the abuse and neglect they experienced isn't normal.) He also defended his mom and would speak positively of her. I am glad he had a good perspective of her and good memories, but it did prevent him from bonding with me, at first. He wouldn't sit too close to me and waited for quite a while to actually say, "I love you" back. After the first couple of visits and a phone call from the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate), I discovered why.

The Visits with Birth Mom 

It often seems foster children naturally miss their birth mother no matter what horrendous things she has done to them or failed to do. They are confused and in both of our sibling group placements the children had mixed feelings about visiting their birth mom. Sometimes they really wanted to see her, other times they did not want to visit her at all. It was always emotionally exhausting for all of us, and still is!

The CASA called me and told me what the visit was like. The birth mom and all four children were in a very small room with a sofa and toys. The room had a window where the case worker and CASA and others could supervise to see how the mother handled the children. CASA said that the mother had no parenting skills at all and acted more like a sibling to the children instead of their mother. CPS continually had to intervene and tell her what she needed to do. 

Then, I found out why my 7 year old had so much trouble bonding with me. His own mother ignored him when he spoke to her. He tried and tried for the two hour visit to get her attention but she refused. He tried to sit by her and she would complain about how close he sat to her. My heart broke, but I had a better understanding of why the sweetest boy in the world could not let himself get close to me. 

From then on I started giving him more hugs and sat as close as I could to him and showed him how much I cared for him. Then, one day he melted in my arms. He let himself fall in love with me and now nothing will stop him. He came to the understanding that he could love both of us at the same time. He shared with me that he felt that he was betraying his own mother if he let himself love me. 

I didn't mention Levi much because he seemed to show no connection to his birth mother at all. He didn't get excited when he saw her or upset when he was taken away. He has, however, showed both of those signs with me. It is apparent he is very attached to me (and I to him!). I don't know whether it is his age, his personality, the neglect of his mother, or a combination of all of these things. It just seems sad to me, but I am thankful we have a bond.

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