Two Boys, Our Second Placement

We've had two boys, 1 and 7 years old, for nearly a month now. Of course, we don't know how long we will have them, which seems to be the most popular question! The general time frame in foster care is six months to a year, but it could be shorter or longer, depending on if an approved relative decides they want them or they come up for adoption. Boy7 and Boy1 also have two half sisters living in another foster home across town. Thankfully, we can get together often!

Boy7 making cupcakes for his brother's 1st birthday!

Boy7

Boy7 is sweet and has a great attitude most of the time. He is also very helpful. His teacher loves him and he enjoys going to school. It's obvious he is missing some of the basics, such as some letter sounds and easy sight words and also simple math. However, he is progressing very well and often reads for an hour at a time! His math is also coming along. It's amazing what a little help and encouragement at home can do.

Boy7 also loves Josh very much. He misses him so much when he goes to work, even if he is just gone overnight! His biological dad has never even seen his son, so Boy7 says, "I don't have a daddy." Josh is teaching him all kinds of things, including chess. I call Josh a "walking encyclopedia" so he is full of information for a curious little boy. And, oh, does Boy7 ever have the questions! He is also learning a ton of vocabulary having come from a bilingual home. (His previous school paperwork actually said there was no English spoken in the home, so who knows?)

Boy1's 1st Birthday!

Boy1

I was hoping for a baby and thankfully Boy1 is still babyish. In fact, he just turned one last week!  he is crawling around and pulling up, but not yet walking. Apparently, he was still on heated formula bottles and was used to being put in bed with one. He refuses to drink from a sippy cup, so I decided to just take one step at a time. After all, he just experienced a huge change in his life. I believe he previously went to daycare, too.

So, I transitioned him to whole milk but still heated and I feed him a bottle before each nap/bedtime. He doesn't really like to rock much, and he does well most of the time just being put into his crib. He sleeps through the night other than waking up from a bad dream, perhaps. He soon goes back to sleep on his own.

He is learning new words and even some baby signs that I'm wondering if he might have learned at the daycare.

Parenting Effectively Part 5: How to Get and Keep Your Child's Heart

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Part 4: Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

How to Get and Keep Your Child's Heart

By far, this is the most important part of parenting. If you don't have a heart-to-heart connection with your child, they will not accept your guidance. You might be able to control them for a time when they are with you, but out of your sight there will be nothing to guide them. Books have been written on the importance of attachment with a child's parents from birth. It is greatly detrimental to a child for the parent(s) to fail to form an attachment to her child, especially in the first year of life. This has been proven by the vast number of children raised in orphanages who were left in a crib for hours with no one holding them. Thankfully, in America and other countries (I assume), we have foster homes instead of orphanages so children can form healthy attachments to adult caregivers. By the way, perhaps this will help some of you understand why we purposely get attached to the children in our home! It is for their emotional and mental health. It will help them learn to form other healthy attachments in the future.

Guidance Instead of Control

No one likes to be controlled by another person, and, if you think about it, should anyone be controlled by another? Our relationships should be respectful to one another. If you're a Christian, you should be guided by the Holy Spirit, but He doesn't even control us. We have the freedom to make our own choices. If you train your child by controlling him will he learn to control himself (or to be gently led by the Holy Spirit)? Remember the long-term effect you want to have on your child. You probably want him to eventually make good choices on his own.

The key to guiding instead of controlling is having that attachment or heart-to-heart connection with your child. How do you make friendships or emotional connections to anyone, including adults? Mutual respect, kindness, taking an interest in what the other person enjoys, spending time with each other. You are still the parent and must have consistent boundaries, which are held in place kindly and firmly, and all of this can be done with respect for yourself and the child. It might be a paradigm shift, a release of control that you don't want to give up, but it might be necessary for the sake of your family.

I love the personal illustrations of Danny Silk in Loving Our Kids on Purpose. Since he had that emotional connection with his children, when it came to them making difficult choices as teenagers, they often chose the path that would not hurt their parents' heart--out of love! We must give our children freedom through choices, little by little, as they grow, so that one day their choices can be governed by love for God, others, and themselves.

Special Time with Your Child

One way to form healthy attachments to your children is to give them lots of positive, personal attention. Children thrive on this! Our little Boy7 seems to be constantly trying to get my attention while I am caring for his baby brother. He even crawls on the floor, talks like a baby, and puts a bib on! This is an unusual example, but a very real one. Boy7 desperately needs attention since he has been caring for his 3 younger siblings alone at his bio home. All children need and love attention, though. It's easy  for a stay-at-home-parent to think you're giving attention to the children all day long, but caring for their basic needs is not the same.

I like Jane Nelson's suggestion (see Positive Discipline Tool Card above) for the amount of special time needed for each child. It is at least a start that can be adjusted to meet your child's needs. In today's busy world, we all need a little prompting to actually sit down and have face-to-face time with our children. What you do during that time can be decided by you and the child together. Scheduling the time is a must if you are a busy parent! (and who isn't, right?)

What can you do today to cultivate a heart-to-heart connection with your child? If it is already damaged you might want to start with a sincere apology for disrespecting her and/or not spending enough time together. Search your own heart first, and don't walk into the room with a list of things he's doing wrong. Be the mature adult in the relationship and fix yourself first.

This concludes the series on Parenting Effectively. I had other points in the outline, but I think they will fit more appropriately in a separate series on Age-Appropriate Discipline. I'll include the things that actually worked with our previous foster children.

I hope and pray that I can implement these parenting methods in my own home. That was the original purpose of this series. I feel like there is so much more that I could say and that I only touched the surface of these subjects. Let us all keep learning and striving to be the best parents we can be! Our kids are worth it!

I'd love to hear your comments or suggestions!

Parenting Effectively Part 4: Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Punishment--Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused

To punish or not to punish my child? What a controversial subject in the parenting world! Some say it worked for their parents, Why not use it on my own kids, or Doesn't the Bible say sin must be punished? Whether or not you choose to punish your child isn't necessarily the issue. However, you really should take a look at the proper way to punish and the long-term effects of punishment. Remember the kind of person you want your child to be someday? Ask yourself if punishment is going to help them reach that goal. 

The Effects of Punishment

As I mentioned in Part 1 of this series, punishment usually results in Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge, or Retreat. Punishment might stop the behavior for the moment, but punishment teaches what not to do, not what to do. Practicing the positive opposite is a much better solution to changing a child's behavior.

"Using physical power, shouting, and other forceful expressions of authority may oblige a child to comply, but only until the child can be away from the parent's immediate control. Also, the child will become harsh or more harsh with peers, and more 'out of control' with other authority figures like teachers and coaches. The harder you press down on the child, the more likely she is to slip from your grasp--your parental influence, or, if you prefer, your 'control'.

 "...children have an amazing capacity to adapt to punishment. Typically, a parent has to increase the severity and frequency of a punishment to achieve even the immediate effect it achieved the first time.

"This escape and avoidance, often inspired by strong emotional reactions, is another important side effect. Children tend to avoid interacting with a punishing agent -- parents, teachers, whoever it might be -- and to minimize the time they are obliged to spend with him or her. This is not good for your relationship to your child, especially if you depend heavily on punishment, and it will undermine even a well-designed program for changing behavior." (Alan E. Kazdin)

Punishment also affects the parent's behavior. You're likely to punish more, and more harshly, over time. This is obviously treading on dangerous ground. Then, you are back to square one, learning to control your own behavior. I can't emphasize this enough. Do you know how many children are in foster care for abuse? If you can't control yourself, please find another tool for parenting, other than punishment!

How to Punish (if you choose to)

If you are a Christian and still feel like you need to punish your child, I strongly encourage you to read Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. Mr. Silk made what the Bible says about punishment very clear. And, by the way, yes, sin must be punished but Jesus already took that punishment for us on the cross! I explained a little further on this subject here.

1. Punishment should be combined with a reinforcement program that enforces the positive behavior.
2. Punishment should be mild and brief.
3. Do not punish when you are angry. 
4. Do not use as a punishment task any activity that you wish to foster. (Writing I will not talk in class 100 times discourages writing, not talking!) 
5. The ratio of praise for the positive opposite behavior to punishment for the unwanted behavior should be very one-sided, like 5 to 1. 
6. If you are punishing the same behavior a few times a day for more than one day, stop and change the program. 

(adapted from The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin) 

Punishment might be a tool in your parenting toolbox, but don't let it be your only one!

*I should add the fact that, as foster parents, we are not allowed to spank our foster kids, which is what led me to finding alternatives that work. I also think it would be very counterproductive to spank a child who has been abused.

Parenting Effectively Part 3: The Reason Behind the Behavior

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

The Reason Behind the Behavior

In Part 2 we learned one way to stop unwanted behavior in a child through behavior modification. Sometimes, though, it helps to know the reason behind the behavior. Ultimately, we want to see our children change from the inside out, from a desire to do what is right--respectful to others and herself. Look back at the list you made describing the kind of person you want your child to be. While you might use rewards for a short time while helping him develop a good habit, you certainly don't want him to live his life thinking he needs a pat on the back or some kind of reimbursement for everything he does.

Mistaken Goals of Children

According to Adlerian Psychology and Positive Discipline a child's primary goal is to achieve belonging and significance. They need to feel emotionally connected to their family and have sufficient positive attention. Children want to feel capable and they want to contribute in meaningful ways. They want to have personal power, and that is why we start giving choices at a very young age. If you don't give them positive attention and control over some things in their lives, they will get those things through what we call misbehavior! It's our job to show them how to belong and feel significant.

I wrote about Annoying Behavior and the Reason Behind it here and here. Here is a handy chart to download and keep around, made by Jane Nelson. According to her, there are four mistaken goals of behavior:

1. Attention (I belong only when I have your attention or special service.)
2. Power (I belong only when I’m winning, or at least when I don’t let you win.)
3. Revenge (It hurts that I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt back.)
4. Assumed inadequacy (I give up.  It is impossible to belong.)

On the Mistaken Goal Chart you will see certain clues that show you the reason behind the child's behavior.

Clue Number 1: The adult’s feeling/reaction to the misbehavior.
Clue Number 2: The child’s response when you tell him or her to stop the misbehavior.

Finally, the chart gives the parent/teacher proactive and empowering responses to use with the child. For more information on using this chart read this post on the Positive Discipline blog.

If you are dealing with traumatized, abused, or neglected children, consider reading The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. (If you have found other books for helping children with these special needs, please leave a comment and share the information with us!) There can be numerous reasons for misbehavior when a child has experienced any of these three things. These children need a special kind of parenting, and the parent must remember:

• “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enabled them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”
• “…Admire the strength that allowed this little child to survive adversity and have compassion for the ongoing struggles he faces.”
• “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly.”
• They think, “If I had value, people would have loved me and wouldn't have hurt or abandoned me.” 

No matter what kind of child you are dealing with, keep in mind that they all need a lot of positive attention. Every child likes to be included in what you are doing. If you can't include him, be sure to set aside special time for him later. See the Mistaken Goal Chart for more ideas on what to do for specific behavior issues. Mine is hanging on my wall along with an additional "What to do if..." chart!

Parenting Effectively Part 2: Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

Did you miss the first part of this series? Here are the other parts in the series:

Introduction
Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

Scientifically Proven Behavior Modification

If you are a parent having behavior problems with your child, then you most likely want a solution that works…now! Nothing is more annoying than your child doing the opposite of what you want her to do. While I believe the focus of our parenting should be on relationship building and problem-solving skills, there are times when we need some immediate improvement in behavior. This was the case with our three foster children, who were constantly trying to choke and hit each other!

So, if you’re looking for something that has been proven to work, you might want to check out The Kazdin Method. The book comes with a helpful DVD to show you exactly what to do and how to do it. After hearing about it working with some children adopted from foster care, I checked it out at our local library. I’ll just give you a glimpse of his method here but he does encourage parents that the details of the system are very important. It’s not the typical reward chart that didn't work for you in the past.

Did you know that any kind of attention can encourage your child to repeat behavior, including punishment?  When our foster children purposely peed on our brand new carpet, I was furious! They got a negative reaction out of me, but it was still attention—something children crave. Did they repeat the behavior? Yes, and often!

The Positive Opposite

Instead of reacting to the negative behavior you need to first find the positive opposite of that behavior. If the child is throwing his clothes all over the floor of his bedroom, the positive opposite would be him placing his clothes in his dresser or closet. If she keeps getting out of bed again and again for a drink of water to stretch out bedtime, the positive opposite would be her going to bed, getting up no more than once for a drink or bathroom, and remaining in her room.

Specific Praise

According to science, praise is one of the most reliable tools in changing a child’s behavior, but be aware, this does not merely mean saying, “Good job” 100 times a day. Praise must have these attributes:

·         Be very enthusiastic (especially with younger children) 

·         Be specific (“Wow, you got to the breakfast table right when you were told. Way to go!”) 

·         Include touch (a pat on the head or shoulders, high five) 

·         Contingent (Did they do at least part of the desired behavior? Praise the small steps, too!) 

·         Immediate (as soon as they do the desired behavior) 

·         Frequent

Making a Point Chart

A point chart is a day-by-day way of keeping track of and displaying the positive behaviors your child has accomplished and the rewards he or she can earn for them. The book gives detailed instructions for the number of points to give and a list of age-appropriate rewards for children. Be sure to make it possible for the child to earn small rewards often (every day, at least at first). Also, it is important to break the desired behavior into small, doable steps.  Even if you think your child should be able to sit and do an hour of homework, start out with 10 minutes at a time, if he usually refuses to do any. You may also want to have an additional incentive chart that totals all the points earned (spent or not spent) to get a more expensive reward—something the child has been asking for.

·         Praise is the main objective, rewards are secondary. 

·         Don’t wait for perfection to praise or give points. 

·         Break the behavior into small steps.  “Yay! You’re walking to your bedroom right when I told you to go to bed!” 

·         Be careful not to punish with your words. Never add a “but” to your statement of praise. If they don’t do the desired behavior, calmly say, “No point this time. You can try again later.”

Practicing the Good Behavior

When you and your child are calm and in a good mood he can practice doing the positive opposite for points. If you’re breaking the terrible tantrum into doable parts, have him pretend to throw a tantrum without hitting anyone. Praise him, using the criteria above, and give him a point (or two, whatever your scale is) for not hitting. Eventually, you can move on to not throwing things during a tantrum, and finally staying calm when something usually triggers a tantrum. Practice every day and don’t be stingy with praise or points!

Remember, this method is designed to be used temporarily. The goal is to create a habit of positive behavior. This is just one tool for parenting your parenting toolbox and it shouldn't be used excessively.

The details are lined out in this book: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E.Kazdin

Parenting Effectively Part 1: Control Your Own Behavior

This is a series I began writing for myself and later decided to share it here. 

Introduction

Control Your Own Behavior

How can we expect our children to change their behavior when we can’t control our own behavior? If you have ever yelled at your child or tried to modify his behavior while you are angry, then you know how difficult it is to stay calm when your child is out of control. But if you want your child to change, then you might remind yourself how great of a challenge changing behavior can be, for people of all ages.

The Dangers of Anger

Being angry and especially punishing a child while angry will bring the long-term result of one of the following:

1.      Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2.      Rebellion: “I’ll do just the opposite to prove that they can’t make me do it their way.”
3.      Revenge: “They may be winning now, but I’ll get even with them!”
4.      Retreat: “I won’t get caught next time” (sneakiness) or “I am a bad person” (low self-esteem).
(Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson)

If you frequently find yourself out of control and angry, consider asking a friend to either help with your children or to watch them for a while, while you learn to control your anger. When you do get angry, go to another room to cool off. If you cannot leave the scene breathe deeply and pray for calmness!

When we had three foster children with very challenging behaviors I would get angry and yell. Unfortunately, although I knew I was supposed to go to another room to cool off, during that moment I would forget there was such a thing as cooling off! My brain was in fight/flight mode.

One solution to this problem is to have family members give you a signal (touch their nose, point to your cool off spot) to remind you to get back into a better state of mind before saying or doing something you might regret. It might be just enough distraction to get your brain back on the right track.

Make a Cool-off Spot

Time-out is for parents, too! I know I certainly needed time out when I was frazzled after watching our 6 year old foster son throw terrible tantrums, day after day. I recently made a cool-off spot in my bedroom. Some parents have said that their child would just follow them in there, but we had a rule that the children were not allowed in our bedroom. If you have to make such a rule, put a lock on your bedroom door, or lock yourself in the bathroom--do whatever it takes to allow yourself time to cool off. (Always make sure the children are safe during this time--another good reason to have a spouse or friend to help watch the children while you learn to cool-off.)

Your cool-off spot is designed to help you feel better, so put things that you like in your spot. My spot is in the corner of my bedroom and has:

·         a comfy chair

·         a book with inspirational sayings

·         chocolates

·         Scriptures

·         signs to remind me to breathe deeply or pray.

Practice waiting before discussing behavior

Your goals are to:

·     Stay calm and respectful, especially when your child is acting out or having a meltdown.

·    Avoid dealing with your child in anger or attempting to control because it will make the interaction seem like punishment.

Going to your cool-off spot can give you time to calm down before addressing your child’s behavior. When you feel that you can accomplish the goals above, then you are ready to address your child’s behavior in a kind and firm manner.

It is okay to have your feelings, but don’t be disrespectful. You could say something like, “I am too angry to discuss this right now. I am going to my cool-off spot for a few minutes.” This is great modeling for your child, too!

Be sure to apologize to your child when you do lose control of yourself and do or say something that was disrespectful or unkind. The connection to your child is vitally important, which we will discuss in a future post.

Other Helpful Thoughts:

Quotes from the Bible:

• Colossians 3:21  Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
• Proverbs 15:1  A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
• James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
• James 1:26  If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
• Proverbs 15:18  A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
• Proverbs 25:28  He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

Sing: “Have Thine Own Way” or “It is Well”

Pray: Holy Spirit, give me the power to stay calm and let God’s love shine through to my family.

Parenting Effectively Series, Introduction

Introduction

This series began as a study on parenting that I was putting together for myself. After reading numerous (14 and counting) parenting books over the past ten years I wanted a way to put it all together in my mind and actually apply what I was reading.

When our first foster children came to us, they had many undesirable behaviors, some that were dangerous and needed to be addressed immediately. On top of that, there were three of them and they fed off of each other’s negative behavior! It seemed like chaos, and although I had been reading positive discipline books for several years it wasn’t second nature yet, so negative parenting came out at times.

There were many things that we did with our foster children that worked and their behavior did improve drastically. However, after dealing with those behaviors day after day with rarely a break I became extremely exhausted and my patience was nearly non-existent. It was then that I resorted to yelling and getting angry, something I never wanted to do as a parent.

Thus, I sat down at my computer and started compiling all of the helpful tools I had gleaned from the parenting books I had read (and am still reading). This series could potentially go on forever, but you’ll be relieved that I made an outline and it has six major points, each of which will be a post in the Parenting Effectively series.

Here are some of the parenting books from which I am getting this information:

·         Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk 

·         Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson 

·         Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, Michael L. Brock, and Mary L. Hughes 

·         The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin (currently reading) 

·         The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine 

I might not agree with the authors on every point, but I would highly recommend reading these books. 

So this is my disclaimer. I am simply writing a series on what I am learning as a parent. I do not claim to have all the answers, but if this series gives you more tools for your parenting toolbox, more power to you!

Before you read this series:

·         I encourage you to keep an open mind and discover what really is best for your child, long-term.  This might involve a paradigm shift, but aren't your children worth it? 

·         I encourage you to pause and think about what kind of adult you would like your child to be someday. What qualities would you want them to have? (capable, healthy self-image, diligent, cooperative, self-controlled, compassionate, emotionally stable, etc.) 

·         Remember that the main points are to have a heart-to-heart connection with your child and to deal with their behavior in a kind and firm way by staying calm and having lots of tools in your parenting toolbox. That's what this series is designed to help us do.

Parenting: A Life-long Lesson!

Today I got a phone call about some more foster kids. Ironically, they are almost the exact ages of our previous sibling group. I'll say more about them if we actually end up getting them as a placement, but for now we are supposed to just be doing respite for the three year old girl and four year old boy for one week. They also have an older sister who is in Kindergarten.

Since it has been just over a year since we began our paperwork and training to get our license for foster parenting, it is time for our annual training. I love the training because my passion is learning more about children and how to help them, especially when it comes to parenting. During this break I've been reading more parenting books and rereading some others. 

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine was very informative and helpful regarding children who have been abused and neglected. It was written for adoptive parents and how to help them attach with their new children. People who work with abused and neglected children come to realize typical parenting is not enough for these children. Imagine if your child had been kidnapped for 3 years and came back to you. You certainly wouldn't parent him the same way you would have had this traumatic event not happened. You would be gentle and aware that he has special needs, would you not?

Here are a few nuggets from the book:

• "Children arrive with a large core of shame installed." 

•  “Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly. 

•  “Your children may exhibit manipulative behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enable them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.”

I hope I get some time to share more ideas from this book with you, but let me move on to a book that was a breakthrough for me: Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. 

For at least 11 years I've been reading all kinds of parenting books and articles, from the strict authoritarian win-at-all-cost (wooden spoons in every room) type to the gentle mothering approach. I wanted not only to know what worked but also what was right according to God. Although I started leaning toward Positive Discipline methods and was seeing them work when I babysat and in the classroom, I had a nagging feeling wondering how it fit in with God's word.

Finally, I read the book by Danny Silk. I wept when I was reminded that God didn't send the Punisher to "keep us in line" when Jesus left the earth. He left us the Comforter (the Holy Spirit), to be our Guide and to gently help us to do what is pleasing to our Father. 

There's no way I can do justice to the book in such a short paragraph, but one point Mr. Silk makes is that in the Old Testament God dealt with His people through external ways (led by a cloud, punished them with plagues, getting defeated by their enemies), and in the New Testament He dealt with believers internally. We have so much  freedom and choose to do what we want, but we choose to do what is right because of our relationship with Jesus. The most important thing to have with our children is a heart connection. When they mess up, they should know that the safest place for them to do that is at home with Mom and Dad. They need to know that their parents aren't going to throw a "tantrum" when they do something wrong. This book has some tools using love and logic that will make you laugh, too! 

Maybe I'm a slow learner, but for some reason Danny Silk's book made it all make sense to me. Now I am rereading Positive Discipline in the Christian Home and it says the same thing, in a way, but now it makes more sense to me. The Positive Discipline books are loaded with tools (at least 52) to use with your kids. I can't say enough good about them!

Baby Girl's Progress in Six Days

The foster mom called back and said she would pick Baby Girl up on Wednesday instead (a week early). I cried for a while and then decided to enjoy the time I had with her. She was certainly one of the sweetest babies I've ever met. :)

The main issue the foster mom was having was her not sleeping through the night. She also wouldn't finish her bottles and had a lot of gas. With her two older siblings (4 and 7) arriving at the same time she was overwhelmed. It was their first placement and I completely understand being overwhelmed adding 3 children all of a sudden like that. They just thought it would be helpful to get the baby out of the house for a while, even though they had only had her for two weeks.

When I got the phone call to do respite for a baby who wouldn't sleep I was delighted and said yes right away. I was determined to help this foster mom out and see if I couldn't get the baby on a schedule and, at the very least, get her sleeping through the night. Well, since I didn't end up having her for even a week I couldn't expect much to happen. Nevertheless, the last two nights she was sleeping 5 hours at a time and only woke up once during the night! The foster mom was so glad!

These are some things I did to help Baby Girl (with good advice from my mom and brother!)

• stopped putting rice cereal in every bottle since it was possibly causing gas
• changed the nipples and/or made the hole bigger for the bottles with rice cereal added
• introduced her to solid food (pears mixed with a small amount of rice cereal)
• bought a Boppy pillow to use while I fed her, saved my arms and she loved the softness of it; fell asleep a couple of times in it

To help her sleep through the night I...

• gave her a bottle right before bed with rice cereal added
• made the pack n play more comfortable
• put warmer clothes on her to sleep in 
• tucked the blanket under her so it would stay put
• put her to bed later (9 or 10pm)

I hope we get another infant soon!

Baby Girl's First Night

Well, all of that nesting really paid off! We got a call to do respite care for an almost 6 month old baby girl. We're supposed to only have her for two weeks. 

She was asleep when she arrived but awoke shortly thereafter, around 7:30pm. She screamed her head off for 2 hours and 15 minutes because she had just gotten shots that day and every time she moved her legs it hurt. The more she cried the more she kicked her legs! I felt so badly for her! We did give her some Acetaminophen to help.

Baby Girl also had a lot of tummy aches from gas, possibly due to her foster mom adding rice cereal to every bottle she took. When I fed her in the middle of the night I didn't add the cereal. 

One funny thing she did was stare at my phone screen (I was texting and the room was dark) and it calmed her down! I thought maybe she had been used to falling asleep staring at a tv screen or something. I was glad she finally calmed down.

Here's how the first night went:

9:05pm 3 oz formula (I tried to get her to drink more to no avail.)

9:45-11:26 sleep

11:40 2 oz formula

11:45-2:05 sleep

2:22 2 oz formula

2:40-2:55 sleep

3:00 2 oz formula

3:05-5:41am sleep

Baby Girl loves Chico, our dog! She "talks" to him and grabs for him. Chico is quite fond and protective of Baby Girl, too. 

I took her to the grocery store this morning and she loved it! She smiled at me the whole time. It has been a very happy morning and she is now working on a two-hour afternoon nap!! I should be napping, too, but I got caught up on the housework. Amazing what messiness a 6 month old can cause ;) but I wouldn't trade a minute of it!

"Nesting"

It's been two months since our first foster children left us. The break has been extremely beneficial and rejuvenating, and I am eager to meet our new ones! During this break I've been trying to get things back on track--spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now that I am feeling a lot better, as opposed to being completely exhausted from caring for needy children and ignoring my own needs, I have begun to work on our house...

It certainly won't be featured in the latest home magazine, but with our love seat and recliner against the wall we have so much more space for the (soon-to-be-here) children to play! Letting them play in the living room makes supervision so much easier.

My computer must be in the living room, too, because I work on Sunday School material and other church related stuff, so if it was back in our bedroom I couldn't supervise the children while I worked. Someday we would love to have a huge living area/family room that would give the children more space to play, but for now rearranging and smaller furniture helps.

craft and Lego table

Besides organizing the toys again (relabeling the bins), I took our kids clothing inventory and put it into a much more accessible chest of drawers rather than the bin they were in. Now I can see exactly what we have and wouldn't really even have to look at the inventory sheet when we get children who arrive with only the clothes on their back.

I love the idea of freezer cooking--cooking much more than we're going to eat in a day and freezing the rest or preparing foods ahead of time. Some people go as far as only cooking once a month. I did that once and it was wonderful! Now, I just make a huge pot of soup and put the rest in the freezer, and now that we bought an upright freezer I have so much more room to store meals!

Today, my mom came over and helped me switch the "baby" or younger child's furniture to the room closer to our bedroom. So, we took the oldest of our three twin mattresses and box spring to a thrift store since we don't plan to take three children any time soon. We will have to buy a crib if we get a baby since they don't allow ones with drop-down sides anymore. We have a pack n play that we can use temporarily, though.

Lessons Learned from Kids

Uno, Dos, and Tres left nearly three weeks ago, four months after coming to our home. They went to a friend of their mom's. After about six months the family could potentially adopt them. Thankfully, the children knew this family and were looking forward to the toys they knew they had at their house. When the caseworker came to pick them up, though, Uno initially said he didn't want to leave.

The last four months were challenging to say the least. I hope we made a difference in their lives during that time. Although they came a long way while they were in our house they still had a lot of issues to work through by the time they left. I hope they find a good therapist for these kids and they go on to live stable, happy lives. Hopefully, much of their pain will be forgotten as they grow older. 

I learned some things from having troubled kids in the house. Some of the most helpful things I've learned include:

• Sharing bedrooms is not always a good idea for children with abuse in their background, regardless of age or gender. (another reason we'll only take two kids from now on)
• We can't handle three kids with as much damage as these kids had at their ages. We already knew we shouldn't start out with three anyway, but that's another story.
• I must have a break to take care of myself or I won't be able to care for the kids.
• How to fix and care for African American hair : )

Josh and I took a two-week break from fostering. Now we are rested and ready for more kids! 

Waiting for another phone call...

Special Needs for Special Kids

Reactive Attachment Disorder?

As an attempt to start off on a good note, Uno is officially going to first grade and he graduates from Kindergarten this evening. Strangely enough he says he has already graduated in another school and his sisters claim to remember the event, too! I'm not sure if there was a communication gap or what, but we were told he was in Kindergarten when we got him. Apparently it didn't hurt him academically.

We've had the kids nearly 3 months now and, while they have come a long way in some areas, they are showing some unusual behaviors lately. Uno's behavior is getting worse, especially at school, and the girls are having more not-so-great moments. I am exhausted just trying to make it through the day without losing my mind.

When I'm around other people it seems they think our kids are no different than their kids. "He's just an active little boy. She's so cute!" They don't see what I see all day long. Tres continues to urinate on the carpet in her bedroom at random times, even when she seems happy. It doesn't seem to make sense. Now, Uno is urinating in his room, in his trash can, and his bed. These are not accidents. This is peeing on purpose for seemingly no reason. One of the indications of RAD is that they are sweet around everyone but their primary caregiver.

Dos, who is usually the more reserved one, lashed out on Josh (whom she dearly loves and clings to). I think she was supposed to be sitting in time out and wouldn't go and kicked, hit, and tried to bite Josh for a while. Then, during church (I was home with a bad headache), Uno was kicking and fighting Josh. Tres has her share of these fits of rage, especially when she has to sit in time out or is corrected. They don't do this all the time, but at random times.

According to Uno's teacher he is continuing to act out and his behavior is escalating. She said since he has joined her class the whole atmosphere of her classroom has changed. The children who used to be well-behaved are now acting out terribly. She says he has no self-control and cannot sit still to do his work. Her and the principal have strongly recommended that we talk to his pediatrician. So, I did it. I made the appointment. I don't want to put him on medication but I do want him to get help somehow. Unfortunately, the current therapist isn't helping. I hope and pray we can get an accurate diagnosis from someone.

A friend mentioned RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and I remembered some things I had read years ago. I went to the library and found two books on the subject and I've already read some things that have helped me at least feel better and have some hope! One of the things is that normal parenting does not work on RAD children!! Thank you very much! 

The first recommendation in the book is "Take care of yourself first", so I am going to try to start getting more sleep, get someone to watch the kids for a little while every week, and attempt to have some real quiet time each day. Whew. 

Hoping and praying to find an attachment therapist soon. I'll keep you updated when I get a free minute!